I No Longer Exist To You

A spooky shot of a helpless looking woman clawing at a window from the outside, with the interior of the room covered in boxes
Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash

I can’t stand the fact that I no longer seem to exist to you. I used to be the one that made you laugh, made you smile, made your face light up like a Christmas Tree.

I have an overwhelming hope that one day you might come back to me, I have a hope that you miss me as desperately as I miss you. I look for signs in your face, in the way you greet me, in the way you don’t look at me.

I want to see a sign that you’re hurting as much as I am.

I don’t want to miss you any longer. I just want to be free of the ghost of you, lingering in my thoughts, the memory of your hand in mine, your lips against my skin.

More than that, I miss my best friend.

I remember thinking way in the beginning, before any of this, that I don’t want to develop feelings for you, because I had finally found a friend that just accepted me for me.

We all know how that turned out.

It was months and months of back and forth, over and under, topsy-turvy, bittersweet love.

The thought of seeing you every single day gave me a reason to get up in the mornings when I was at my most depressive.

The idea of talking to you just being a reach away when I wanted to cause harm was enough to ease the ache.

In the darkness, you became a spark of light, a beacon of hope, unknowingly you became my lighthouse when I was drifting at sea.

Maybe you’re wondering how I was able to forgive you so easily.

Maybe you don’t actually care.

It wasn’t easy. It was quite the opposite.

I will be the first to freely admit to you that I hated you with every fiber in my being. I wanted to destroy your life, I wanted to rip your hope away like you did mine. I wanted to break your heart into so many smithereens that it could never be put back together again.

I chose forgiveness for the mere fact that you had saved my life, more than once.

Do you remember how you once told me that I did the same for you?

You told me that I had given you a reason to live again.

You told me I had saved you.

I think I did quite the opposite.

I’m sorry I didn’t walk away in the beginning. By my doing that, I would’ve saved a lot of people from a lot of pain.

But I don’t think it was possible. You and I were obsessed, addicted and besotted with each other from the first time we started talking more.

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you.

A song I listen to when it hurts the most.

Lives go on, everything is spinning around me except for you. You stand still in my vision, you are all I see and all I want to see.

I am not what you want to see.

I am just a nobody to you now.

I no longer exist to you.

I am a No Name. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

Never give up hope.

How do you come back from your lowest point? How do you drag yourself out of that black hole of nothingness that has consumed your life? For me, being diagnosed with Hidradenitis Suppurativa wasn’t easy. I now believe that if I can manage this skin condition, I can do anything.

Be Strong
I No Longer Exist To You is cataloged in , , , ,