It has always seemed odd to me how suddenly one day we make one person special. We care about that person. Discuss each other’s day. Learn the details of each other’s life. Discover the inner most fears, desires and thoughts. This is your person. The one who can make your heart pound. That you find yourself lost in thought to throughout the day. The one person who can make you smile. They turn you on. They turn you off.
And then one day you get pissed at each other. And you stop talking. That’s it.
Suddenly because of a disagreement. Misunderstanding. A decision on someone’s part. You are no longer in each other’s life. It’s over.
This is normal?
It’s like suddenly because this person made you angry or didn’t meet an expectation that they no longer belong in your life. And the chord should be cut. Right then and there. And you should be fine.
You should be fine.
And then when you are not in fact fine. Then it’s like why did you love this jerk so much? Well… if I could interject please… his being a jerk is new information so give me a minute while I digest. Feelings don’t just go away. In an hour. The same hour we chose to end it.
People will tell you that you are beautiful and lovely so don’t worry about him. There will be another. Perhaps the right one. The elusive right one you have never found. But will find. Suddenly. So stop crying over the guy that you actually did find. You know the one that was right in front of you for who knows how long. That you did love. Whom you did enjoy. And just instead think about the idea of some perfect better guy for you.
Not to mention that all the people telling you this are all with the absolutely wrong people for them. Because they too never found the perfect guy. They never even looked. You know why? Because they don’t actually believe in him.
Looking for Mr. Perfect who never appears. Like they are telling you to do. Right now.
And within a week if you are still talking about the one you lost. Then you are pathetic. Weak. Obviously not normal. Because people whose hearts aren’t currently wrung out have no sympathy for yours. They don’t want to talk about sad things. Bad things. How bad you are hurting or how alone you feel. In fact they want to fast forward this part of your life even faster than you do.
So in reality. You are alone. Your heartbreak is yours. You own it. People will try and tell you all sorts of things. Ignore them. Only you know how to heal yourself. Only you know. You can’t seek comfort from others because they will only piss you off. To the point where you will want to break up with them too.
The notion that someone you once loved will suddenly become a stranger is too much to bare all at once. You just can’t. But it will happen. Slowly. On your own terms. And that is the trauma of life.
It is a trauma.
Losing loved ones is a death. Whether they died or not. And it is ok if this process is NOT ok with you. It is ok that you think it is sick that others just want you to let go. It is ok that you want to actually feel your pain rather than numb it. It is ok that you don’t want to just start randomly dating people because your heart feels numb. And dating only makes you feel worse. It is ok if you miss him. Longer than you should. It is ok that you loved.
This is what love is.
Love is supposed to want to try and keep trying. Love is supposed to want to make things right. Love is supposed to cause you to want to forgive. It is supposed to. It is the greatest most beautiful part of you. Not something that is broken within you. Please understand this.
I know it is not what most of your loved ones will say because they think stopping your hurt means they need to cause you to hate. But it doesn’t stop your hurt. It isn’t even at all what your heart naturally wants to do. So you fight them. And you think that means your love is true and genuine and this person is right for you. It is you and them against the world. But really you are just being rebellious.
Here is the thing. The honest thing. The only thing that ever made me feel better. You can love someone. Madly. Passionately. Wholeheartedly. But that doesn’t always make them the right person for you.
We love because we are created to love. The separation of love hurts bad. It is supposed to hurt because love is supposed to bond you to someone for life. It isn’t meant to separate. So you will bleed. There will be bruising and scaring alike. That is the price you pay. It is the risk you take.
And maybe at some point you will meet the man who is perfectly wrong for you. In like every way. Except one. He loves you madly, passionately and wholeheartedly. He respects you. He protects you. Maybe.
To get over love. Hate is not the answer. Hate stops you from healing. It creates a blockage.
Only love heals love. I know that seems counterproductive. But in accepting that you loved. That you tried. But it wasn’t right. You are now accepting the loss. And giving yourself permission to heal. To recover. And then ultimately the permission to try again.
You did love. And I’m sorry you lost. But never let another soul make you feel bad for wanting to love what you lost. Because that is the best part of you.