I Should Have Never Said Goodbye

This pain I feel isn’t just fast and hard; this pain is slow and searing. Every time I’ve been hurt before, it was fast and intense, short-lived. But with this pain I have now, my eyes are continuously burning, my throat aches, and there’s this giant hole in my chest that I can’t seem to get rid of. I’ve only been able to cry a few times, and when I do, it’s silent. The tears just roll down my face. I feel like there is so much emotion in my body that it’s simply in shock and it can’t even respond. Every time I step into our room, I feel I may collapse. My whole body begins to shake – thinking of losing you forever.

This was my greatest fear: not that I would put myself out there and get hurt, but that I would forever hurt because I would lose you.

I would lose you to someone else, because you would eventually see the imperfections in me and find someone who had more to offer.

You may have your own set of problems or downfalls, but what you lack, all your other qualities make up for times ten. You are still so perfect to me in every way. I was always insecure that I didn’t deserve you and that one day you would see that. So my fear drove me straight to this hurt and this pain. I decided to let go before I got let go of. I thought that because everything wasn’t going perfectly, that any day now you were going to say goodbye. So I said it first. I thought maybe I wouldn’t hurt like this if I let go first, but instead I made it worse. Because now it will always be what could have been, instead of what is. I feel like a coward, a coward for not taking the risk and not sticking with knowing that my love for you was stronger than any problem we were going through.

And now I know what love is, now I know what real heart break is. In my mind I want this pain to stop so I can breathe again. So I don’t feel this pit, this shell of a person I am without you in my life. But my heart is telling me to hold on to this feeling, so I never forget you. To remember what you have done for me and how much that means.

Real love is hard, and sometimes you might fuck it up, but at least you got to experience it – to experience what it’s like to give your all to someone and have no fear. To wake up in the morning and be so glad that the person next to you is there. To believe in them and their dreams so much that you would give up your own to see theirs succeed. To have their breathing be the thing that puts you to sleep, and their voice in your ear to wake you up. For their voice to be the most soothing thing you ever heard and for their touch to be the most healing and erotic pleasure you’ve ever felt.

If I had one more moment with you, I would tell you just how special a person you are. Let you know how big of a mistake it was to let you go.

I would run my hand across your face to always remember how good your skin felt on mine. I would stare into your eyes to memorize the love I always saw there. I would kiss your lips ever so softly to remember how you taste. I would listen to your voice so I could always hear you in my ear. I would place my nose in your neck and breathe your scent. I would tell you how much you mean to me with the love you only deserve. I would try to make that stick more than anything else.

You’re worth a million things unsaid and a trillion things people can’t give. Your value exceeds any dollar amount because what you give is priceless. So there it is: real love and real heartbreak. And now I just have to deal with it.

But I won’t say goodbye, because the next time I see you I’d love to say hello.