I’m Done Trying To Make You Love Me

Ben White
Ben White

Today is the day I realized I am done with you. I am done trying over and over again to ask you to hang with me. I am done trying to make you love me as much as I love you. I am done. I am done wasting my tears on you. You didn’t deserve to see me cry, beg helplessly for you back. You deserved nothing but me walking away from your life for good. It’s been a week, we’ve talked, flirted, and I thought my heart was thinking the same as my mind. He wants me back. He misses me. He loves me. He wants to call me his again. But no. I was wrong as I always am, and there I sat. But this time I thought to myself, he doesn’t deserve to see me shed tears over him.

He doesn’t deserve to see me beg helplessly. What he deserved was nothing, but a simple goodbye. I keep thinking, replaying what I could’ve done different for a guy like him to want a girl like me. I rack my brain still to this day, and will always try to wrap my head around why he didn’t want me. Why I wasn’t good for him. Why I didn’t deserve a place in his heart. Why? Just Why? That’s what I will continue to ask myself every day. Every day I will miss you more, I will think of you, remember our fun times, but it will no longer be a reality…. just a memory. I loved you, cared, thought, worried… would do anything for you.

Three months. It was three months, three months I got to spend with the most incredible guy. Three months that felt like three years. I let you in. I trusted you. I believed in you. Three months and that’s all I had. I am only eighteen years old, and from the first day I met you, I thought you were the one. I have never felt the way I felt for you in my life. The way you made me feel inside, butterflies, rapid heart beating. It was all real.

I thought I would have longer time to make more memories, adventures with you. I will never forget the fun, laughing, crying, bickering, happy moments. I will never forget the way I looked at you, and the way you looked at me back. In three months I never thought I could love someone. But, love is real. Love is something I used to not believe in. I thought the movies, hearing people’s love stories was just a “cover.” Just a dream. But love is real. Love can come at any time in your life, and you may not even know you have it until its gone. Love is an unconditional feeling you have for someone.

So, thank you. Thank you for showing me what it is to have love.

Thank you for letting me love you. I never thought goodbyes existed. I used to believe that a relationship started, and just never ended. I have been heart-broken, torn apart, beaten up because of men. I keep putting myself through thinking that there is the “perfect” guy out there for me. I kept believing, searching, wanting someone to love me the way I can love someone. I let several people into my life, for what? For no reason. I let you in my life for a reason. Now, here again, I am left heart-broken, torn apart, beaten up because of a boy I loved endlessly.

I am done. I am done shedding tears, going out of my way, trying to love, searching, caring, talking to find the “one.” I am done letting people in so they can just break my heart. My heart is so broken, torn apart, I don’t think I can love again. Now, I don’t believe in the “one.” I don’t think there is someone out there for me who will be my prince charming. Fairytales are a dream. Not reality. Thank you for showing me my worth. Thank you. I am now onto finding myself. I am important. I am worthy of many things. Thank you for making me realize that there are better things in life than trying to love someone else. You made a difference in my life. You impacted me so much. I never thought my heart would be hurting this bad.

Friends. You were once my lover, and my friend. Just friends. I can’t take back the connection we had. I can’t forget the memories we made. I can’t forget that I loved you. Friends. I am not your friend. I cannot be your friend. I cannot hang out with you, just talk, laugh, and not tell you how much I love you. I can’t pretend we didn’t exist. I can’t lie to you that I don’t still sleep in your t-shirt every night wishing you would say goodnight to me. I can’t tell you I don’t dream about you. Because every day I think of you. Every day I want you back, even though you hurt me.

One day. One day I hope you come back. I hope you realize I was the one girl who would love you endlessly, care about you, tell you everything will be okay. I hope one day you will love me again. One day. It will be a thought, dream, hope every day. I will be waiting for a text, phone call, telling me your ready again. I hope it’s me. I hope it’s not another girl. But if you choose to be happy with someone else, I hope you think of me. I hope she will love, care about you as much as I did. I just want you to be happy. But, one day I hope we are pulled back together.

For now. For now, you are just a memory to me. You are no longer my lover. You are not my friend. I never wanted this to end the way it did. I did not expect it. I was shocked. I thought maybe if there was nothing left for us, the connection was lost, or another million other reasons. But, the sad part is, there was a connection. You don’t have to admit it to me, but there was. I never felt so connected to you than I did in the week of trying to get you back. I will never forget the last moment we had of kissing, touching, caressing in your front hallway. I will never forget you. But, for now, you are a memory and nothing more. TC mark

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