woman in white long sleeve shirt and brown skirt standing on flower field during daytime

Maybe I Won’t Get It Right Every Time, But I’ll Keep Trying

I might say the wrong thing at the wrong time, the kind of thing that causes a second glance or an eye roll. But that won’t let me lose my desire to speak up or to say what’s weighing heavily on my mind. Because I know deep down that I’ll regret leaving words left unspoken. I’ll regret suppressing my voice out of fear of messing up. Maybe I’ll say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but I’ll keep trying to get it right.

I might feel sad when from the outside, I should be happy. And not by choice, of course. Never by choice. In fact, I dream of a magic switch that would allow me to bypass any unwarranted feelings of gloom. But I’ll remember everyone feels like this from time to time. Everyone experiences the ups as well as the downs, and we aren’t supposed to produce happiness every waking minute. Maybe I won’t be my happiest self all the time, but I’ll keep trying to push through the moments of darkness.

I might break my promises. Mostly to myself. Like that I’ll wake up early and work out, or that I’ll eat healthy all weekend, or that I’ll stop falling for those who are no good for me. I want to keep these promises. I don’t ever mean to break them. I want to be trustworthy to myself and of course to others. But it takes practice, and although I might mess this up from time to time, I’ll keep trying to get it right. 

I might say yes when I really should say no. Because sometimes the tougher choices are the ones our minds fight against most. I would be lying if I said I didn’t like the easy route. Because I enjoy comfort and ease—we all do. But that’s not what’s always best for us. Some of the harder ‘nos’ are the ones that will impact us for the better. And even though I might mess up my boundaries sometimes, I’ll keep trying to find the confidence to say what I mean and mean what I say. 

I might change my mind. I might be a hypocrite. I might be 100% sure about something one day and feel uncertain and lost the next. Because life causes us to change course. It’s a constantly evolving story that requires us to grow. Sometimes these changes happen minutely and almost unrecognizably. And sometimes these changes happen abruptly, like waking up with an epiphany to set course in a new direction. I might not be the same person I was years ago, or even yesterday, but I’ll try to continue and change gracefully. 

The truth is, I am still learning, I am still growing, and I am still making mistakes and repeating them. I am still finding what makes me feel empowered, and alternatively, what makes me feel small.

We are here to evolve. We are here to keep trying. We are here to just make the most of this existence we call life.

So I might not get it right each time. I might not ever have a record of perfection, but regardless, I’ll keep trying.  

I am the only Jenna Hushka in the world.

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