The build-up to a couple’s wedding day can be much like shaking a bottle of champagne; by the time the night arrives, there’s so much hype that it just ends up flat. At this point in the process, there is often so much tension between the members of the wedding party, they’re probably one vodka/anything away from a RAW is WAR smackdown.
However, if you haven’t forced them to hand-make hundreds of chocolate roses for wedding favours no one wants, or to pay for a bridesmaid dress that would look better in a garbage can than on their bodies, you may have a more amicable and even exciting time on your hands.
Here are some things about weddings I think we can probably just allow to be beacons of the past:
1. The woman always changing her surname.
I understand the desire to have a streamlined family unit and the need to eliminate complex punctuation, like hyphens. However, at this point in modern history, it’s probably time to stop making the woman ALWAYS change her last name. I mean really, it’s 2013, we can’t seriously still be rocking that whole patriarchy thing.
Ideally, no one will need to change anything if they don’t want to, but if having the same last name as your partner is important to you, then there needs to be a scientific and methodical process by which we determine who will change his or her surname. This process will have one step and it will be to pick whichever name is more awesome. For example: if the bride’s last name is Sharktooth and the groom’s is Smith, there is really just no contest.
2. Wedding/Bridal Showers.
Wedding gift, fine, but why the need for multiple events centred around you getting gifts? You’re about to have a two-income household, while we (ok, mostly just me) are still struggling to make ends meet. People are getting married closer to their 30s than their teens, and by this point have pretty much acquired everything they need. Quit asking for stuff from your poor, sad friends! (Me.)
3. Wedding favours.
Don’t need ‘em, don’t want ‘em. Give the money to charity, or don’t. I won’t even notice.
4. The clinking of the glasses.
This one is for people who attend weddings. Just please, no more of that. I think brides and grooms everywhere will also appreciate being able to get through their meals without tasting each other’s chewed food.
5. Bridesmaid dresses.
Did you choose your bridesmaids based on the fact that they look good in an obscure shade of turquoise? If yes, that is heartbreaking! If no, either let your wedding party choose their own dress, or if they must match, buy it for them. They’re already doing you several unfathomable, expensive, and unpleasant favours; at the very least, don’t force them to pay for a cupcake costume they probably won’t like and definitely won’t wear again.
6. Gender segregated wedding parties.
Men can stand up for the bride and women can stand up for the groom. If the person has contributed to your life in a major way, does it really matter whether they have a penis, vagina, both, or neither?
Is there anything more unnecessary than a centrepiece? They are usually overpriced, and they block my view of everyone else at the table. They never elicit the desired “wow” effect, but only make me think how much cheaper drinks would have been if you hadn’t bothered.
Remember, the important thing about you getting married isn’t putting on a big show for your friends and family– it’s your marriage. In the end, you should do what you really want. All I’m saying is that the people that love you don’t care about fancy rocks in a jar that lights up; they just want to see you happy and to get a bit drunk.