Have you ever wondered why men behave the way they do? Silly question. Of course you have. In his “Dear Women” letter, humor columnist Streeter Seidell aimed to clear up some baffling male phenomena, like why men don’t seem the least bit thrilled by cute babies (because they aren’t their babies) or why they’re perpetually horny (their horniness is the equivalent of the female period: it’s nature-induced so they can reproduce).
All enlightening revelations.
So when Seidell issued a call to women asking for any insights into the female brain, I felt compelled to write back. It’s only fair.
So, to all the guys out there, I hope this letter is helpful.
Dear Men, There are some things you should know about us women.
1. Sometimes we cry for no reason.
It’s part of our hormonal make-up. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong; it just means that after drenching our skirts in coffee this morning, then bombing on our work presentation this afternoon, spilling that dish of jelly beans was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back.
2. We like to vent.
Just vent. Simple as that. You see, Suzy from work gets on our nerves sometimes. (We don’t know what we did to offend her, but she seems to actively seek out opportunities to make us look bad in front of the boss.) We don’t need you to fix our problems. Just let us tell you what they are. Then, feel free to give us a big hug. That’s all we really want.
3. Spiders tend to freak us out.
A lot. We know it’s ridiculous (we are, after all, the reigning roller derby queen and/or a top financial executive, with million-dollar budgets at our disposal), but those suckers give us the creeps, so if you could dispose of them for us and not make a big deal out of it, that would be awesome. Thanks.
4. Speaking of irrational fears, we’d rather not make the first move.
We know it’s a pain, but we just feel more confident when you do the asking out. So please, take the initiative and put us out of the misery we’re experiencing due to the unfulfilled mutual lust we feel crackling and popping between us.
5. We love it when you call us.
To tell us you had a good time on our date… to talk about that gig you played last Friday night… to ask us out again… Stop with the games. If we suspect you’re playing by the three-day rule, you’re going to lose points. The three-day rule is lame.
6. If you’re not that into us, let us know.
We can handle it, and we’d rather you not waste our precious time. After all, we have an increasingly deafening biological clock to contend with. Yes, it will hurt when you break up with us, but we’d rather not be caught in a relationship for two years if you knew after two months that you didn’t see it going anywhere.
7. Here’s the deal with grand gestures: They’re nice.
We won’t object if you take us on a surprise weekend getaway, buy us that expensive necklace we always notice through the shop window or shower the house in rose petals. But really, none of that is necessary. We love the little things most. Bringing us Starbucks at work on your day off? Heroic gesture. You will be rewarded. We will be stoked.
8. Fact: Most of us like sparkly diamonds.
So long as they are conflict-free, what’s not to like? That doesn’t mean we actually expect you to buy us a platinum-banded, princess-cut diamond in a Tiffany’s box. Or that we expect a ring six weeks into our relationship. So you can relax. Breathe. We will consult you when we we start fantasizing about taking “till death do us part” vows with you — or will at least drop obvious hints.
9. Another fun fact: Most of us find babies adorable.
We can’t help it. It’s our maternal instinct. This particular characteristic will cause us to point out those cute, toothless smiles and little, chubby cheeks to an annoying extent. That doesn’t mean we want to chase a toddler right now. We will consult you when we start fantasizing about nurseries and giraffe-emblazoned onesies — or will at least drop obvious hints.
10. We tend to over-analyze.
OK, we always over-analyze. For example… After a date, you say: “I had a great time tonight.” Our thoughts: “Did he really? Was that a slight inflection in his tone? Did I sense apathy? Should I suggest a second date? Maybe he will. Maybe he’ll just call tomorrow. Maybe he won’t call at all. Maybe I’ll never see him again. What does ‘I had a great time’ really mean? Does it mean he was actually bored the whole time? Did he enjoy himself? What is it with the mind games?!” If possible, we would appreciate it if you got even more direct with us. An “I had a great time tonight” followed by an “If you’re free, I would love to get together again next Thursday” would basically be a minor miracle for us.
11. We love chivalry.
Opening doors, walking street-side, etc. In fact, we think it’s really sexy. But we live in a feminist world, and that’s cool, too. We can take care of ourselves. We don’t need you to lift a box of pillows or pick up every tab … you get the picture.
12. We want to feel feminine, beautiful and safe.
Knowing that you can, and would, protect us from pretty much anything really turns us on. In fact, we’re so crazy about you that we’re pretty sure you could save the world if you wanted to. We hold you in high regard. Really. Show us that you feel the same way about us: that we’re the most amazing women on the planet. We’d like to know. We’re sappy and romantic in that way. But, hey. We can still tie our shoes, and do any number of other complex, Herculean things. Remember that. You know, in case you need some help when it comes to saving the world.