A full year has passed since the heartbreaking end of my four-year relationship. And, although I’m proud to say I have made it through the worst part of my grieving, I still have days where I question my worth. But I am healing, and I couldn’t have done it without your listening ears and tough love.
Thank you for being the voices I hear when I’m trying hard to remind myself of all of the wonderfully unique qualities that make me ME. For the times when I didn’t feel good enough, when I wondered why he would choose to live his life without me, rather than with me, you were there to help me see that there is something wrong with him, not me.
You’ve assured me that I’m loveable. That I’m smart enough, successful enough, caring enough, funny enough, pretty enough, and understanding enough for ANYONE to love me, especially myself. When I wondered if he was dating someone new, and how he could find anyone to be “more” than me in any way, you were there to tell me that it didn’t matter who he moved on to, that no one would be “more” than me, so he would be getting what he could handle, less.
Thank you for answering the phone when I had to run out of a public place sobbing because something reminded me of him, of us and the life we had together, and I was crying so hard, I wondered what would ever make it stop. And for listening to me when I complained about how badly I wanted to move forward and stop thinking about it, about him, but as hard as I tried, I still couldn’t shake it.
For understanding how much a heartbreak can hurt, and for how long, and telling me that it’s okay, because you have been there before. For offering me stories of hope about how you once went through a painful breakup that you didn’t ever think you’d get over, or how you would ever love someone else, and now you’re happily married to a man you never expected to meet. For showing me your journal entries months after your breakup and easing my worries about if it would ever better.
Thank you for agreeing with me when I would tell you over and over again how unfair it was that even with all of the things I did for him and all of the ways I was there for him through some really tough times, it would all come to an end with me feeling like I’d been thrown away like yesterday’s trash. For reminding me that the things that upset me and the way he didn’t treat me as a priority was wrong, that it wasn’t the way I should be treated, the way any self-respecting woman should be treated. That I deserved to be with someone who I could rely on, the way he could always rely on me. That it was brave of me to express my feelings and concerns, even if it meant he would walk away.
Thank you for sending me Facebook pictures of his daughter, who I had such a strong bond with, and who I still miss every day, because I would tell you stories about her and the things we would do. Thank you for understanding the loss wasn’t only about him, but about the loss of her too. Thank you for reassuring me that I’ll always have those memories of her, and without doubt, I will have made more of an impact on her than I’ll ever know.
Thank you for being compassionate enough to notice when it was at times, uncomfortable for me to be at events with our group of friends, listening to everyone discuss their husbands or boyfriend, and deeply feeling the entirety of my loss, knowing I no longer had anything to contribute to the conversation. For wishing you could make it different that when our tight-knit group of single girls all seemed to pair off into couples at the same time, everyone went on to get married, while I am left picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. For helping me to realize that the dreams I had of a future, marriage, and family that my ex and I talked about openly, were no longer. That I would one day have to create new dreams with someone else, someone who would stand by his words and promises he made and give me everything I ever wanted, because he’s an honest, mature and selfless man who wouldn’t be able to live without me.
Thank you for showing up for me. For being the family members I needed when my family wasn’t nearby.
For reminding me what it was like to be the funny, loud, social person I once was, before this incident shook me to my core. For letting me grieve and be quiet at times when there were days I couldn’t get out of bed and wouldn’t respond to your text. But, for not ever letting me give up. For having the confidence in me, and the person I am, that I could overcome this and come out the other end even stronger than before. For knowing, that if the roles were reversed, you know I would do the same without question.
Thank you girls, for the laughter, the nights of drinking too much wine, the complimentary words, and for creating a safe place for me when it all became too terrifying. Losing the love that I had was painful and sad. But knowing I have such strong, smart, and beautiful women who love me unconditionally, is more than I can ask for and I hope you know how very grateful I am.