The funny thing about heartbreak is the uncontrollable oscillation between feeling everything in the whole world at once and feeling nothing at all.
You feel the gut-wrenching, all-encompassing pain that makes you ugly cry out loud into a pillow until your mascara is entirely run down your cheeks and onto your pillowcase. The feeling that nothing, ever again, in your entire life will ever be the same, because how could it? Your person – the one person you loved and trusted more than anything – won’t be in the next chapter of your life story. You hear them in a song that comes on the radio as you drive to work. See them in a stranger on the street who’s wearing a hat you know they would’ve loved. In the double vodka RedBull that your friend shoves in your hand in an attempt to make you forget about him, that there’s other fish in the sea.
In every snapchat, Instagram photo, or Facebook post from any of your mutual friends, you wonder what they’re doing at this very minute. Is it as hard for them as it is for you? But you keep on keeping on, ordering your favorite appetizer, drinking your favorite beers, and knowing that you won’t get to share with them.
After feeling so much, your heart gets tired. Tired of seeing remnants of your relationship everywhere you go and in everything you do. Tired of wrapping your heart up in Band-Aids so tightly that you can’t breathe. And it’s then that you just feel numb. Like a slow freeze, your exterior begins to harden and all of these little bits and pieces of memories don’t hurt you as much. Sure, you notice them – but you accept them and let them bounce off of your new armor.
You deal with relatives asking about them, watch as they move on with their life as you are trying to do with yours. And slowly, but surely, you’ll feel more and more like the ‘old’ you. Knowing and accepting that your previous relationship shaped you as a person and will remain a part of your life’s story. And during this thaw, this springtime of emotion, you may even discover yourself as better and more complete.