You are the biological product of two people who decided to create new life—or, more likely, you’re the result of wine coolers and premature ejaculation. Your parents’ genetic material sloshed around in your mother’s vagina like a drunkenly made martini, so now you exist. But it’s not enough to merely exist. No one is an island, so you can’t go about life being a total fucking asshole.
Of course you’re entitled to be an asshole from time to time, but there is a big difference between being a discriminating asshole and being a complete gaping anus. No matter how much disdain you have for other humans, you can’t exist as a separate entity. From your barista to your bartender, you will come face-to-face with other human beings—it’s inevitable.
Here’s a guide to help you navigate the complicated world of being a righteous misanthrope.
1. Don’t be mean to baristas & bartenders.
No one in the service industry should have to deal with your shit. Why should they be punished by your presence? They didn’t decide you need a coffee or cocktail. Dial back the dickheadedness, because no one aspires to wait on other people. Most of them have side projects going on to avoid having to wait on shitdicks like you for the rest of their lives. Someday you’ll probably see them on TV or in a movie and realize what an abysmal cock you were to someone who had aspirations outside of pouring your drink.
2. Don’t be mean to the powerless.
There are millions of people who have jobs with no power. They don’t have any part in making decisions and sometimes they don’t even work under someone who has power. The power trickles down like the sweat under Donald Trump’s newest rodent-wear headdress. Before you curse them out for putting you on hold while they pull up your information or when they tell you they don’t know when your electricity will be back on after a storm (by the way, if your power is out there’s a great chance you’re not the only one, so stop being a self-involved prick and accept it), remember that they are powerless. The powerless should be immune to your bullshit; their powerless day crushes them enough and they don’t need some cunt screaming at them because she can’t hypnotize her shitty kid with cartoons so she can zone out on benzos and boxed wine.
3. Don’t be mean to your family.
Unfortunately for your parents, they have to see you. If you’re a truly terminal asshole, they see you out of obligation. Then they feel guilty for loathing the total twat you grew into. These people raised you and had to deal with your bullshit after wiping up your shit for years. Don’t you think they’ve dealt with their fair share of your shit? Your extended family, your aunts, uncles, and cousins deal with you so your parents don’t have to sob into their potato salad at family reunions. Every one knew you were a shitty person, but you’re their family and for the greater good they pretend to love you.
4. Don’t be mean to your friends.
If you’ve tricked people into thinking you’re worth being around, these idiots deserve some of your shit. They probably even enjoy your shit, but they shouldn’t be subjected to it mercilessly. They probably have decent hearts and they like you out of pity the way people adopt mangy dogs from the ASPCA. You’re ugly and a little gnarled, but they understand you’re just an asshole because you’ve been kicked one too many times.
5. Be mean only to those who deserve it.
Here’s who you can treat like shit without being an asshole: the TSA, trigger-happy cops, neo-Nazis, the Westboro Baptist Church, Kanye West, Donald Trump, Fox News, and ISIS. Feel free to add more in the comments.