How I Know I’ll Break Your Heart

Carmen Jost
Carmen Jost

I know you love me. I’m terribly sure. It’s in your eyes, it’s the way you hold my hand, it’s the feather light kisses you put on my shoulder, it’s the hugs you give me as if providing shelter, it’s the way you squeeze my knees when we’re sitting close to each other, it’s the kisses you place on my lips whenever I utter the words “goodbye.” I am not going to lie, you are, by far the only guy who has made me feel loved in the best way possible. You’re clingy, you text me every time I need you to text me, you’re always there, in times of need and in times when I don’t even need you at all (which is almost always the case), you call every night, you take me out on dates and most especially, you take me to church every Sunday. That’s something hard to pull off.

Never did I feel as if your “I love you’s” have become routine, even if you keep on stating it endlessly during any time in a day. Don’t you ever think that I am not grateful, I am. I am thankful because I have finally found a man who has the capability to love me more than I love him. But you fell in love with the wrong girl. Every Sunday when we’re at your church, I can’t help but feel that your love grows more and more until it’s the biggest bubble of love I’ve been in. I’m so blessed that whenever we start to praise and I begin to get teary eyed, and you would look at me – as if I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, I can’t help but mutter the words “I love you”. Even if… even if it’s not the truth.

But… there is always a but. You fell in love with the wrong woman.

You fell in love with a woman who is still learning to love herself so she can give more, you fell for a woman who is in search for her thirst on her ambitions and is driven by wanderlust. I love you because you love me. I can’t love you if I didn’t know that you’d be this kind of person. The kind who is selfless and so loving I have lost the ability to reciprocate. I love you, I do but only because your love is apparent. If you have shown your love using your subtlest moves, then I would have left you long ago. I am letting you love me for your happiness and not for my own. I am giving you this chance to be with me because you want me and I am willing to make you feel what you want to feel. You are, after all, entitled to feel the emotions you have longed to acquire.

There will come a time where leaving you is the only option I’ll have and once that day comes, I wish you’d understand why I’m leaving. I am leaving because it is time for you to have the real thing. Clearly, I am anything but that. I am, as I would like to call it, a dream. I wrote something that describes who you are for me.

HE IS NOT MY DREAM BOY
BUT HE IS A BOY WITH A DREAM
THAT INCLUDES ME IN BETWEEN.

That in between I’m talking about? That’s me. And soon I’ll be reaching the end and you’ll go back to yourself. I love you. I do. I love you because you love me. I love you because you told me you were afraid to lose me, well you have me. Just for now. You saved me from all the wrong decisions I could have done. I’m sorry if this sounds as if I am using you. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m the one who’ll make you cold and you’ll be mad at me for the rest of your days. Use it; use that anger to get over me. Well not yet. Let’s enjoy the days we still have because once I leave, I leave for good.

I know I’ll break your heart because I am in no position to glue something together or holding a precious gem to protect it from harm. I’m a mess and I will love you as long as I can. Or as long as you are healthy for me. Think of it as if when I leave you, you’re loving me more. You are sacrificing your broken heart to keep mine intact for the long haul. I love you, baby. I’m (not) sure. I’m terribly (un)sure. I know it’s (not) a fact. TC mark

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