You deserve more than this.
You deserve more than waiting for a text, a phone call, anything at all. It wasn’t like this before — right? Somehow you dimly recall never having to wait at all. In the very beginning, you were the one who made him wait. Because you liked him so much, but you didn’t want to seem so desperate. You played it cool. You dictated the game. But as time went on, and the deeper you fell, all of a sudden, it was like your world turned upside down. Because here you sit in anguish. Waiting. It’s 3am. He said he would let you know where he was so you could join him. You put your hair up, you wore something you could dance in. You didn’t take your heels off until an hour ago. Somehow you were still hopeful.
You deserve more than another apology. His phone died again, and you know how it does that. How it always seems to die on him when you’re not around. And yet, it’s very much alive when you’re out at the movies with him. You see how he is glued to his screen when he is out with you, one hand holding yours until he drops it to text someone back. Who is she? you think. You wish you weren’t so paranoid but you can’t help it. What else could it be, right? And the anxiety burns, as you vacillate between certainty and uncertainty. All the ugly feelings you wish you could brush off — they claw their way into your throat, they carve out hollows in your chest. You swear you can feel your heart, as your wretched thoughts begin to pull it apart.
You did the best you could after the first time it happened. You spoke up. You were proud of yourself, because this time you did more than you’ve done before. And in your heart, you know this is change, because it is painful. You exposed your wounds to him. You told him about how terrified you are, how you’ve given away your heart and body to people who were careless, and did not treat your gifts as precious to them. You tell him, you just don’t want to be broken again.
You tell him about how he makes you feel when he doesn’t text, when he disappears for days on end. You tell him how shitty it feels, and it is a residual pain borne from trauma. You tell him you know that you cannot make your past a prison where you could easily live in forever. That you’re getting better. That you really like him, and you’re being careful to not make the same mistakes again. You tell him all of this, you show him who you really are. Here you are, beautifully flawed and all, this is what you’re offering. This is what he’s getting. And he embraced you, he picked you up, and you thought it would all be okay. Until it happened again. And again.
How many times have you told him? How many times have you been here, in this very moment, before? Resisting the urge to throw your phone against the wall, waiting. Always waiting. Silent tears. You wait.
Funny how, only in moments like this is when you realize, he never offered a single thing in exchange.
You deserve someone who stands by their mistakes, who doesn’t make excuses. You know he lies with eyes wide open, as he tilts your face up to his. You know he was out and he didn’t fall asleep when he told you he did. You know he’s going out tonight but he won’t ask you to come with him. You deserve someone who wants to take you out, who wants to show you off to his friends, someone who wants you to hear embarrassing stories about him — the kind only the best of friends can tell. You deserve someone who will create space in his life for you, who will make plans with you, and keep them. You deserve someone who won’t cancel last minute after you spent the entire day looking forward to seeing him. You deserve someone who doesn’t treat moments as filler for the empty gaps between the last thing he did, and the next. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel like a placeholder. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you. Just to be around you.
You deserve someone who wants to read everything you write. You deserve someone who wants to hear every song you’ve composed, see every photograph you’ve taken. You deserve someone who asks you for these things. Instead, you pleaded him to see what you’ve done. Your work is a part of you and all you ever wanted was for him to get to know you. You deserve someone who wants to know every fibre of your being, every tendril, every freckle. You deserve someone who wants to hear what you thought about the film, that book, the game last night. Someone who texts you when they get up in the morning because you are the first person they think of.
You deserve someone who will come home after a late night will and miss you in his arms, your warm body in his bed. You deserve someone who misses the way your hair smells, how it tickles his nose. You deserve someone who will call you to hear your voice. You deserve someone who will, after a few drinks, clumsily admit how much he is falling for you, how he wishes he could be where you are, right this second. You deserve someone who spontaneously picks you up, whirls you around, kisses you. On the train, in traffic, at the park. You deserve someone who wants to give up his everything for you, as you do for him.
You deserve so much more than the lucky fool who has taken up so much of your time, who gives you only crumbs to hang onto. Truly, you do. Don’t blame yourself, we all make mistakes.
Just remember, you deserve to be loved too, no matter how much the deepest darkest parts of you try to convince you otherwise. A genuine, unconditional love. A love that is honest and hopeful. You deserve someone who can give you this, and so much more in return.