Everything I’d Tell You If My Anxiety Wouldn’t Get In The Way

I want to know you more. I feel like I know so much about you already but that there’s so much more left to learn and I want so badly to. I want to know how you are, not just how your day has been.

What scares you, what makes you tick, what you think, but then I remember that maybe it’s not my place to ask that of you. And I can’t be mad at you for that either because when you look at me I don’t think you see much farther than the surface and if you do it’s not somewhere you wish to explore, not something you crave, not something that every bone in your body yearns for.

So I keep myself in check and I keep myself distant out of fear. Fear of falling, fear that you won’t fall, and that all the hurt from the first time around is going to come rushing back like a punch to the face. I know you want me to feel like I can tell you anything but how can I when you’re the one thing that intrigues me and terrifies me all at once, because I never know where I stand and what I am, and I’m afraid to ask because everything in my gut tells me it’s not going to be what I want to hear, that you still don’t have feelings for me, and never will and that I am just putting myself in the same position; standing in front of the gun and trusting you not to pull the trigger.

I know you said you never want me to hurt or be the one who hurts me but I am so terribly scared that you’ll end up doing it anyways. And yet I find myself doing things like wishing I knew what it was like to fall asleep in your arms (you always say how I’d probably sleep more comfortably), and wishing I had more moments where I could just listen to you talk in the back of my car, laying down on your legs and looking up to find you looking down at me.

Or afternoons sitting on your bed just watching you play your video games or drawing or anything, even if I barely speak a word, because I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and you’ll back away. But I don’t think you’ll ever know just how much those little moments mean to me. Just being around you makes me feel like everything is ok, I just wish you’d feel the same. So close, yet so far away, but who am I to ask you to stay?