The Kissing List

1. I have an exponentially large crush on you and these butterflies will keep sucker punching me in the gut unless I do this.

2. My lips are holding on to your bottom lip, like a chip clip grabs on to a package of Doritos, because deep down, come on, we both know this is the very last time I’ll ever see you.

3. It’s been a really long time—really it has, I’m not even sure I know how to kiss anymore but everyone tells me it’s like just riding a bike. Which I’m sure is supposed to be refreshing and comforting but it’s just a garbage thing to say. I mean, have you seen some of these people who try to ride a bike after like a long hiatus? They are a disastrous ‘abut to fly off their handle bars and into a pile of dog feces’ mess. — and you make me laugh, so it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we just started making out in the middle of this Rodeo bar, on a Tuesday night, would it?

4. The in-between your I love you so much and my response, for the first time. Like the way a divider used to separate loose leaf paper in your binder. That kiss will be the pause, the deep breath I need to tell you my response: You too. So much. I love you.

5. Sometimes I’m so tired that I have to open my eyes to confirm that I didn’t just lick your eye ball instead of the wall of your mouth.

6. I had a really good *kiss, kiss* time *kiss* tonight.

7. AHH who do you think you are? Shoving your peach colored lips onto mine? I don’t even know you and after tonight’s date when you spit out a ball of laughter after I told you what I do for a living and then rudely told me to grow up when I ordered Mac and Cheese for dinner, I don’t want to know you or the cavity on your upper right molar.

8. Here’s a flip book of selfie pictures of my puckered up lips because you live all the way over on the coast of an unfamiliar ocean and I live here, with the rats that roam this infamous city.

9. Your tongue is in my mouth. I’m 16 and I’ve never felt someone else’s tongue and I’m not sure what to do with it. Are they supposed to be gliding around on each other like wet salamanders? Shouldn’t there be a formal introduction between them first, like hey babe; it’s nice to meet your bumpy self. In a few seconds we’re going to slap each other silly for a bit until we go over—under like we’re playing jump rope. You okay with that? TC Mark

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Jen Glantz is the world’s first professional bridesmaid and founder of Bridesmaid for Hire. Her new book, Always a Bridesmaid (For Hire) [Atria Books] is available now.

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