Sometimes I find myself stuck in this state where I don’t know exactly what I want to do, and it irks me to no end when it does happen. Ever since we broke up, I’ve been suffering a lot with my indecisiveness; mostly, my indecisiveness concerns you.
The dark circles under my eyes and the tired look ever-present on my face are proof enough that I devote way too much of my time thinking about you—missing you. Some days I feel like I’m finally doing it—I’m finally getting over you—and then in the hours when the night is starting to give way to dawn, my throat tightens up and the tears begin to fall again. And I think to myself: I still love him.
Some nights I just want to lay under my covers and read one of those books I’ve always told you about; some nights I want to write like what I’m doing right now; some nights I just want to sleep to get away from it all even for just a couple of short hours; and other nights… I want to talk to you, to keep you up with nonsensical chatter like I used to, to entertain you with my corny jokes, and to piss you off with my complex attitude like I did 60% of the time.
Admit it, I might have been difficult, but you liked that about me. Everyone always put up with your dominant streak, and I relented most of the time, but I was never afraid to mouth off with my own beliefs and my own opinions.
Remember that fight we had when you told me that you didn’t believe in love? That was our first serious fight and I wanted to hit you so bad for unknowingly hurting my feelings when I was already halfway in love with you at that time. I apologized to you after an hour of tense silence. And now, come to think of it, I was always the one apologizing.
I’m a complex person, but I now realize that not all our fights were my fault, yet I still took the blame and was the first one to lower my pride just so I could keep you.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I’m going to be completely honest and say that getting to know you is one of those mistakes. In fact, letting myself get to know you was one of the most idiotic things I ever allowed myself to do. I’d lowered myself to something that I promised myself I would never be, and I fell for you so hard that even now, after quite a while, you still plague my mind and hold my heart, and those are only two of my mistakes.
Falling for you was a mistake.
Becoming more than friends was a mistake.
Settling was a mistake.
Taking you back was a mistake.
Loving you will always be my greatest mistake.