When I was a kid, I remember promising myself all kinds of things. Things like:
1. I will never use makeup.
2. I will never taste a drop of liquor.
3. I will never try to smoke.
4. I will never hurt myself like the sad girls on TV.
5. I will never cry over a guy.
6. I will never take back a guy that I broke up with.
7. I will never be that girl who keeps on loving the guy who broke her heart.
See, I promised myself a lot of things. And what I’ve learned in my 20 short years of living is that not all promises were meant to be kept. You told me that promises were always going to be broken, that we would always be let down by the people who promised them to us, and that the only people that we need are ourselves. At first, I didn’t believe you. But now? Now, I think I do.
I’ve promised myself a lot of things, but the ones on this list? These are the promises that I would never forget breaking. I was a child back when I said these things, so innocent and naïve, and so ignorant of what it was like to actually be in love with someone. I want that bliss back— I want my innocence about love and romance to come back. I want a fresh start; something—anything—that would make me forget how it was like to be so in love with you, only to part ways with you in the end.
All I wanted was a simple relationship with a fairytale ending, and look at where that got me. Here. Now. Writing this because it’s so late and so early at the same time. You used to send me good morning messages as soon as you woke up, and those messages made my day even though they woke me up at 4 in the morning. Time differences, right? And when I actually started functioning at 6 AM, my time, we would start talking… and talk… and talk… and talk all day; even when I was in the middle of class, we would still talk. Heck, it drove my friends nuts that I always had my phone in hand and I was talking to you wherever we were; I was always talking to you. And I guess that I started depending so much on you because now look at where that’s gotten me.
Now, I remember telling myself that I will never be the clingy and naggy type; and I ultimately failed in that. I often found myself lecturing you for your poor eating habits, and also laughing at you when you said that you didn’t like doing leg day, and just doing and saying a lot of things that I normally wouldn’t have. Truth is: you changed me; uncovered who I really am beneath the happy-go-lucky façade and taught me that it’s okay to be who I really am without fearing judgment, and I would be eternally grateful for that.
There’s also one last thing that I promised myself and ultimately failed in doing.
I will never fall in love with the wrong guy.
I fell in love with you.