You Were My Best Friend And You Left Without So Much As A Goodbye

We were best friends, for thirteen years.

Half of our living lives.

Then one day you were gone.

I had just gone through a breakup days prior.

You, were watching your marriage deteriorate.

It made my heart ache.

Anytime you struggled, I felt it deep within my core.

Your pain; I always felt it with you.

We were bonded like sisters and I would have moved the earth for you.

You were the one person who matter the most.

Then one day, you were gone.

Vanished without another word.

It destroyed me.

I’m not ashamed to be vulnerable anymore.

I’ve learned there’s beauty in the fall.

And wonder in the rise back up.

But you left a hole in my heart that bled constantly.

Still bleeds constantly.

I was devastated, my world shattered.

I watched your babies grow, learning to walk and talk.

I cut the cord of your youngest and cried when he entered this world so small and full of possibility and wonder.

I accepted hundreds of hugs and wiped away dozens of tears along the way.

I always thought that one day you’d be returning the favor to my children someday.

You all were my family.

I don’t have much in the way of family, what I do have is handmade.

I would have done anything for you.

We were more than best friends, we were sisters.

Then one day you were gone.

I could feel you growing distant, and with each day passing my anxiety was growing with the space between us.

I tried to reach out so many times to find out what I had done to push you away, and then one day you just stopped answering.

And I never heard from you again.

The weight of the world was crashing down around me.

I’ve suffered tremendous loss in my life, causing undisputable abandonment issues.

You knew this.

And still you left without so much as a goodbye.

Without any explanation, as to why.

It was as if someone had expelled the air from my lungs.

The feeling you get when you step outside to bitter cold air on a January morning.

Puckering your skin, sending chills to your core and vanishing the breath from your body.

I spent months trying to fill up the wound with something, anything, to dull the ache your absence left.

I cried myself to sleep often.

I tried to find my faith in prayer.

The loss of you, was the second hardest to losing my dad.

The pain was debilitating.

I won’t pretend I’m perfect, or that I never said things about you that I shouldn’t have; because a few of us did in those final weeks before you left.

And for that, I am forever sorry.

But after half our lives spent attached at the hip; I would have thought I’d deserved more than the feeble dismissal you gave me.

I wonder what you tell your children; where their aunt went.

I miss them every single day.

My therapist says it will help to write you, even though your eyes will almost certainly never see my words.

It’s been eight months without you, and while I was lost at first, I’ve reborn.

Pulled my life back together and kept on, head held high.

My life is enriched in ways I never thought possible.

Where there was anger now there is love.

I love you, always have; always will.

To the sister that ghosted me; I wish you nothing but the best in life.

All the health and happiness for you and your two beautiful boys.

Know that even though I have closed that chapter and moved on, I hope that you find all the success and joy in your own journey.

Closure is a funny thing.

If someone won’t give it, you just have to make it yourself.