I’m Scared To Fall In Love Again, And Fail

Can I go back?

Go back where?

To the place of isolation. Away from people. Away from painful memories. Away from the scars that’s hunting me.

Away from self-destruction.

I am already good by myself. I am standing on my own and moving forward without looking back.

Yes. I am alone. I smile even though I am broken. I laugh to hide the pain. I wear a happy mask so that I won’t create trouble to others.

So what? That’s how I survived my last heartbreak. I managed my 5 years being alone.

Am I lonely? Maybe.

An empty shell that managed to survive the fast paced reality of living with shattered heart. I am living in my own world of black and white.

Then you came.

You looked at me with bright eyes. You made fun of everything and say amazing on anything.

For you, this is wonderful world.

You accepted me. You acknowledge me and even embrace my negativity.

I asked why. Why me? I’m a broken gem. You deserved someone better.

But you said, “You’re the best that happened to me up to this moment. “

I cried. Not because it is painful.

Is this what you called tears of joy?

And before I know it, I am singing songs that I find corny. I am saying cheesy lines that I hated before.

Why is it that whenever I open my eyes, everything is colorful? As if flower patterns and pinky stuff is on the background.

When did I become this girly?

And now I wonder where she went.

The girl who loves black. The girl who is living in the world of black and white. The girl who hid herself in isolation and mask.

Where is she?

I am scared.

Scared of what?

Scared of taking the risk.

What risk?

The risk of falling in love.

With whom?

The guy who offered his hand and reached me. He showed me the wonders of little things. His smile is so bright. And his eyes? I can see how sincere they are. How pure. How lovely. And now, I can see my reflection inside those hazel brown eyes.

I’m scared to get out of my comfort zone. I’m scared to meet his gaze. I’m scared to touch him. Because I know that my body cannot lie. My body can’t hide what I feel inside. And when the ghosts of your past is hunting you every night, I doubt myself if I could try.

There’s a lot of what if’s and why not’s that’s happening inside my mind. But the feeling of joy with you is overwhelming me. It calms the storm that is constantly visiting me. It washes away the doubts and gives me the thought of,

“Maybe I should try.”

But what if I failed?

Will I be able to stand up again or drown myself in the dark?

Nah, I’ve been there.

I fell in love.

I’ve been hurt.

And now I am running away from the fact that I FALL IN LOVE. Again.

Can I still go back if I failed this time?

Or take the risk and open arms accept the euphoric feeling of love?

Will he catch me this time?

Or will my monochrome world still accept me if I go back with regrets that I didn’t try

Tears falling from my eyes, as I am holding my once again shattered heart?