1. You have never written a singular work of fiction or non-fiction longer than 100k words. (100k after the first draft – not necessarily a finished work over 100k)
2. You believe a correlation exists between the quality of a piece of writing and its popularity on social media.
3. You have never been published at a journal or magazine where you have not already known at least one of the editors.
4. You are well-known within your city but unheard of anywhere else.
5. You can be identified as part of a writing group or writing collective.
6. You write lists for the internet.
7. You write opinion pieces on divisive topics which you have not singularly studied about for at least two years.
8. You spend more time talking about writing on social media more than you actual write. (This is judged by the fake writer himself or herself)
9. You are over the age of 20 and cite Charles Bukowski as one of your favorite writers.
10. You are told how good-looking you are more than you are told how good of a writer you are.
11. You are told how good something you’ve written is moments after posting said writing.
12. You tell people “writing is fun.”
13. You tell people that writers should marry other writers, or that anyone should marry a writer.
14. You write in a clichéd manner, that is, your writing consists of thoughts and feelings you’ve had, not descriptions of what it was like to have said thoughts and feelings.
15. You have never had your heart broken.
16. You have never wondered if your writing is good or not.
17. You have never worked on the same piece of writing for at least three years.
18. You have never waited for at least six months on a submitted piece of writing.
19. You write with a modern aridity, that is, your writing is a regurgitated collection of behaviors which occur in a given day without any artful details or glimpses into the struggle of being a person with a beating heart. That is, you are lazy and unimaginative.
20. You ape those who write in the “Modern Arid” style.
21. You write anything about what it means to be a real adult or you write an open letter of any kind.
22. You have gone to school for writing.
23. You write about your sex life.
24. You write magic realism.
25. Your name is James Franco.