100 Tweets Everyone Can Use To Gain All The Followers And Be The Most Popular
1. Have we considered the idea that sophomores are acting sophomorically for an elaborate performance art piece?
2. Blue Like Jazz is what your goateed youth pastor made after he watched Garden State in 2010 and asked, “Did this just come out?”
3. “Advancements in phone technology was directly related to the demand for better pictures of genitals,” is what a book will say someday
4. I wonder how Fleshlight executives do their market research bc it’s gotta be dangerous to get all that info from serial killers
5. Medium is the best place for a start-up bro to stand up and say, “Hey, I have feelings too!”
6. My only advice is if a guy says on a first date he’s ‘trying to be a novelist’ start taking slow steps backwards & hope he doesn’t see you
7. Should Ashton Kutcher be in prison for the 2009 film Spread?
8. In high school Monica was fat & found it hard to socialize. Then she got skinny & everyone liked her. Friends taught us a lot?
9. A giant keg of Yuengling is necessary when tapping into the collective unconscious
10. I’d rather there be an internet video of me having sex in public than one of me doing P90x in my living room
11. If your favorite band in 1999 was Incubus and your favorite band in 2012 is Incubus I hope you’re getting help for your meth problem
12. I see you speeding up, passing me, then slowing down so I can’t pass you or the semi. No one loved you as a child, did they?
13. If ur listed as “seeing someone” on a dating website, there are entries in the DSM-IV 4 U
14. In that time we were asked, “Who let the dogs out?” and all any of us could come up with was “Baha Men?”
15. I can’t be the only one who microwaves a hamburger bun then puts BBQ sauce on the hamburger bun then eats the BBQ sauce hamburger bun
16. Recurring fantasy : Ongoing massive conspiracy preventing me from becoming the most famous and handsome writer in the world
17. I bet it’s hard to agree on a good place to eat dinner in New York City
18. “Workshopping” is a combination of the words “work” and “shopping,” so it is the most American word ever created
19. “Have someone remind me that 50,000 dollars is not very much money” – Jay-Z when he writes notes to himself
20. Real talk, tho, my shoulder hair be yankin’ right now
21. I think women should be able to marry women & that men should be able to marry men & that both should never listen to Arcade Fire
22. Is it still cool to talk about Inception?
23. My money must be up, cause guess who just bought a medium-sized bag of Jelly Bellies?
24. I hope they didn’t spend much time naming the movie Heist
25. Say the word ‘prose’ out loud without sounding pretentious is like saying ‘toy boat’ over and over without it sounding like gibberish
26. Rebecca St. James was born Rebecca Jean Smallbone so God does have a sense of humor
27. If your bro does you dirty that’s a lowbro
28. The Vice Guide to Corn Detasseling
29. Starting a minimalistic punk band, Phil Phil, we sound like Wire but only play Phillip Phillips songs
30. So yoga is basically just really slow Voguing then?
31. The fact that someone will freely enter a dating website says a lot about a human’s desire to not be alone
32. MoistFriendly is a good dating profile name for someone who doesn’t want any dates
33. You know that cool guy at the party acting like he’s never had diarrhea before? Dude’s totally had diarrhea
34. I’d rather have a neck tattoo than a lit tattoo
35. It’s ironic because in hell, they play Christian music
36. Changed password after hack. Twitter body fat issues resolved. Real world body fat issues remain
37. What are starships meant to do again?
38. If you thought frosted tips were still out of style, you were right
39. Idea for a novel: A man and woman are upset about relationship. They have trouble with each other and at the end it is sad
40. And now everyone is like, “Hey, ummm, you know come to think of it, Justin, you actually weren’t that bad at acting” #suitandtie
41. I only judge those who use the phrase ‘judging you’
42. New version of iTunes? The last version came out a good hour ago, so it’s time again
43. People just don’t reference Brokeback Mountain like they used to
44. Still holding out hope for Dave Coulier and Alanis Morissette
45. The most unsurprising thing I ever heard was that MFA writing students call their graduating class a cohort
46. You wouldn’t want to meet me in a dark alley, cause you’d probably frighten me then I’d poop my pants & then it’d get really awkward
47. The most postmodern movie I can think of is a movie of Slavoj Zizek watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
48. I like to use Twitter to tell people how great my girlfriend is. Also, when I need to speak in a library, I use a megaphone
49. I don’t understand how a tv works
50. Once I figure out how to set up a Paypal I’m going to make an app so I can put so much money in my Paypal
51. I’d like to visit Machu Pichu before I die. I’d also like to try a McRib
52. In Wisconsin, cheese curds are considered aphrodisiacs
53. What is a ‘polyamorous pansexual’? I’m imagining a character from a C.S. Lewis book
54. Nothing grosser than lotion and yogurt
55. Omegle is a good place to meet interesting penises. Sorry, wrong word, Omegle is a GREAT place to meet interesting penises
56. The closer you lean to a painting the less you know about it
57. The word ‘new’ is in the word ‘news.’ Something to think about
58. RT if ur Ghcat is mostly the people who’ve seen naked
59. I’m on hold with American Appareal but I don’t have any quinoa to snack on so I’m not really sure what to do
60. Bunz 2 Bunz is my new R&B side project. Our first single is “Last Night Was Nice When We Went Bunz 2 Bunz”
61. If you like to meet strangers from the internet, internet dating is a good way to meet them
62. Just woke up from a nap to find chocolate chips melted in my chest hair from the granola bar I had before I fell asleep. I am 33
63. Just realized that saying someone is ‘prematurely bald’ is like saying someone is ‘prematurely overweight’
64. I feel like we are not adequately concerned enough with/live rightly because of he reality that we are all floating in space and dying
65. I just gotta know 1 thing, is it the size of the wave, or is it really just the motion of the ocean when it comes to studying tides
66. I see The Very Hungry Caterpillar is on Netflix and I’m wondering what it’d be like if a high person confused it w/ The Human Centipede
67. The 1st time had to have been a cavewoman & a caveman & before they did it she maybe said, “hey, 1st put this leaf on ur ding-dong”
68. And he would’ve been like “leaf on ding-dong?” & she would’ve been like, “Oh it feels WAY better” but inwardly she would’ve been thinking..
69. “Ur gunna put a leaf on ur ding-dong so I don’t have any of ur dum-dum caveman babies,” & that’s how condoms got invented i think
70. I’ve been up since 7 & so far I’ve drank a coke & stared at the same word document while looking at humans on okcupid & I heard church bells
71. In the 70s there were songs called like, “Orgasm Addict,” so things aren’t that different really
72. In the end, U have haters & ppl are paying attention, ok, but just because ppl are paying attention doesn’t mean ur doing something valuable
73. Franzen is afraid of typewriters bc the clicking sound they make reminds him of goat hooves, aka, demons
74. I bet best buy employees love it when ppl come in & ask if a phone has apps
75. Nearly hyperventilated after I thought I lost a follower. Note to self : read more books
76. I can’t believe it took Flaubert 60+ months to write Madame Bovary. Dum dum shoulda done it in 1. #NaNoWriMo
77. RT if the last paragraph of “Order of Insects” gets you every time
78. Before I die, I’d like to more fully grasp the notion of turtle power
79. If your week’s been tough, look on the bright side, your parents had the chance to name you Cody, but they didn’t
80. I feel like Martin Starr will have a similar career to Martin Mull. Does that make sense? I just took three NyQuils
81. Somebody, somewhere, has done it to Newsboys
82. As a woman I’d dress like Rumors-era Stevie Nicks on weekends & at work Parks&Rec Rashida Jones & at art openings early 90s Winona
83. Don’t hate me bc I can sing the soundtrack of jc superstar better than ur bf
84. Retweeting is great, but it’s an honor just to be favorited by you guys
85. Dolphins do not seem, to me at least, as trustworthy as the media portrays
86. Fly 1 – “It’s real. It has to be!”
Fly 2 – “No, it’s not”
Fly 1 – “Wha? It must be!”
They are talking about a Venus flytrap
87. Woman – “It’s real. It has to be!”
Man – “No, it’s not”
Woman – “Wha? It must be!”
They are talking about Drake’s stubble
88. Man – “It’s real. It has to be!”
Woman – “No, it’s not”
Man – “Wha? It must be!”
They are talking about Nicki Minaj’s butt
89. “I’m here to sign up for the most poignant life award” – Every writer
90. My tweets on Friday nights are about pizza bc I’m #saucy
91. If u got married to Chuck Klosterman you’d have to be okay w/ having the way u brush ur teeth be analogous to Axl Rose’s seclusion
92. I could conquer a pillow fort no problem
93. I met a woman on okcupid who said she had sex w/ a Muslim during Ramadan & they got around the abstinence rules by using toes. Cool stuff
94. Enroll at University of Phoenix
Drive to Phoenix
Look for campus
Look for campus
Look for campus
Look for campus
Where is campus?
95. Because what is life other than a series of hopeless tries at a number of fruitless endeavors?
96. No matter how small they are, if I see a group of two or more teenagers walking toward me I am hiding in the nearest tree or bush or sewer
97. I know it doesn’t make any sense but one of my life goals is to have Yanni make me a nice biryani
98. It’d be fun, at first, to date someone who was in awe of everything in the world. But I bet not for very long
99. w/o a doubt, the stupidest internet commenters are the ones who say, “This is so good, you don’t see writing like this at this website”
100. Ok, feeling better. Like after watching one of those blackhead popping videos. Happy Valentine’s Day, Everyone!!!