1. 1,000 hugs from 10,000 lightning bugs sounds like a terrible way to die
2. “My heartbeat dropped when I first saw u” – Skrillex proposing to his wife
3. The dow jones went up today. Also, earlier, I did fart. Two stock tips which are equally useful
4. An Instagram photo of a book, a journal, & a cup of tea/coffee are what hospitals now show patients instead of pumping their stomach
5. Just drank caramel syrup straight from the jar, so, yeah, you could say Valentine’s Eve is heating up
6. Editing is more immediately satisfying than writing as pruning dead leaves from plants is more immediately satisfying than watching one grow
7. Whether woody is telling the truth or mia is, everyone on the internet w/ an opinion on it is still an asshole. That fact doesn’t change
8. Thing is, in the summer, dogs pee just as much
9. If you’re feeling bad about not being married, just remember, Kirk Cameron thinks getting married is the best thing you can do on earth
10. There is NOTHING in the world a comedian likes more than talking about which class of comedians he/she is from
11. What’s the part of the brain that makes each and every person on Twitter believe they deserve more followers than they already have?
12. If my name was Diplo, I’d tell people I was a dj. Otherwise, I’d keep it to myself
13. Reading a literary journal really makes you realize why literary journals don’t make any money
14. For the world’s safety, put every Russian in jail except for the members of Pussy Riot and their friends
15. A really weird name for polar vortex would be “cold wind”
16. “Sexism and racism are big problems here, and we protect corporations above all. But we solved freezer burn, so, you’re welcome” – America
17. ppl who meld their body background into their face avatar need to find a hobby
18. Sometimes I tell babes I got a butter butt instead of a bubble butt so they won’t text me so much but then they need butter & it’s like “ugh”
19. “A million reblogs is cool, but you wanna know what is really cool…a BILLION dollars” is how the saying goes
20. I feel like it would’ve been best for this planet’s health had our technological advancements not gone any further than, say, fire, for e.g.
21. Start a Crusade to defeat the loud-chewers
22. Do you click on those links at the Weather Channel website? Just was curious if you were going to heaven or hell
23. I wanted a facebook account but I’m not pregnant so I can’t have one, they said
24. We let mj play for the wizards? We shoulda never ever let that happen
25. My submission has been received. Now weeks/months/yrs of chewing fingernails down to nubs. Eating my own hair. Drinking only toilet water
26. No offense to garbage, but some ppl are garbage
27. Still rooting for Brad and Jen. There is beauty in a hopeless pursuit
28. It’s the texture. There’s a problem with the texture of bananas. God should have kept bananas in the lab a little longer, imo
29. Prince Avalanche is what would happen if Terrence Malick directed Napoleon Dynamite, which sounds cooler than it is
30. Feel like “dating in your 30s” is the most depressing phrase known to mankind
31. “Let him eat ALL the ice cream cake” – Marie Antoinette in my head whenever I see ice cream cake
32. Just got a confirmation that said my ‘hot fresh pizza is on its way.’ And idk, maybe I did shed a small tear
33. More than anyone else, I feel sorry for ppl who secretly put rabbit ears up behind other ppl
34. the only thing i know about the antichrist is that he eats loudly, & when he drives he follows the car in front of him closely for no reason
35. Sometimes I think about the clothes that have “almost fit” at thrift stores through the years, and I get nostalgic for a life I never lived
36. The best part about writing for ur own blog is that you can write whatever you want & you don’t have to worry about anyone reading it
37. “The McRib is back” – The most confusing news
38. Was Avatar a good movie or did we just really need to relax for once in 2009?
39. “I’m going to live forever as a ghost” – Every Christian
40. Thing is, you could write for years and never write a sadder story than “went to poop and only farted” #NaNoWriMo
41. I guess when all else fails you can at least be glad you’ve never been a part of a YouTube prank that is actually a public marriage proposal
42. Whenever I bite the side of mouth while attempting to eat something I’m reminded I’ve learned basically nothing since being born
43. Drake: the nickleback of rap
44. If you’re single, “cutesy-bootsy” is good name for your cat
45. Thinking a lot about milo & otis today. Knowing they must be passed on by now. Hoping they lived content/happy lives
46. I just think it’s sad when people on these social medias become so dependent upon the approval of others. Please favorite and RT this
47. It’s this simple, if you want a gf, get a dog. If you want a bf, go to a dog park
48. When looking for answers, movies taught me to ransack my room then slowly pick up what I just threw around. Something will dawn on me
49. I sense my eyebrows growing right now. Am I becoming the wizard I always dreamed I’d be?
50. At the grocery store this morning I thought, “What goes good with Nutella?” & in the next moment I thought, “What kind of question is that?”
51. If I had a ton of followers I’d only tweet stuff like “#ibiza,” and, “staying cool”
52. Truthfully? The only way we’re ever gunna defeat the Huns is if we get down to business first
53. It’s no big deal if my writing gets rejected, I just laugh. Then I cry for a while. Then I laugh again. Then I smear pig’s blood on my face
54. Thinking about where vitamins come from. Are they synthetically produced? Or do we mine them all from increasingly rare plants? Good stuff
55. If a Vine is posted but no one plays it, does it make a sound? In fact it doesn’t! The Vine post is muted until someone presses play!
56. If stretching is fundamental to your worldview, why not give yoga a try?
57. ‘hey girl, you heard that new 311 song?’ – a pickup line in 1995
58. Actual professionals are unaware of what a “pro tip” is, just fyi
59. My Precious Moments are as important as my Beanie Babies & I haven’t had sex yet because that’s what The Bible says not for any other reason
60. Maybe the best way to understand a man is to know if he is pro antibiotics or anti probiotics
61. I took a nap yesterday & when I woke I realized I lived on a globe near a burning star inside of an infinite darkness
63. I’m home alone watching home alone. How ’bout you? Are you home alone too watching home alone 2?
64. It concerns me when a fast food place says their food is ‘never frozen always fresh’ because what kind of blood bath must it be in the back?
65. I think Big Freedia would be a good person to help improve the bounce rate at your website
66. Just heard someone refer to it as “stuffing a muffin” so I’m pretty sure I’ve heard the grossest way to call it now
67. Sure, taking a ride on the Vengabus sounds fun, but what if you had to take the Vengabus to work every single day?
68. It’s important to remember, when feeling good about the # of twitter followers you have, Bam Margera has almost 900,000
69. I live in almost constant fear my framed art is going to fall off the wall and kill me in my sleep
70. I’d get a Tumblr but I was just never that into Boy Meets World
71. I could run circles around you in the following categories: Having smelly farts, eating lots of pizza, being sad
72. Little did they know that when they chose Sunny-D over the purple stuff they narrowly avoided a lifelong addiction to prescription drugs
73. “Who is John Galt?” is proof that you can ask stupid questions
74. An air freshener is a good way of clueing everyone in on what you’ve done
75. Don’t worry about losing Twitter followers. Because when you think about it, life is just one long downward slope to zero followers
76. Some websites have a large audience. And so did Hilter
77. If you see a CD in a store, you can just have it I think
78. Seems your 1880s styled moutache is compensating for something, maybe a small penis?
79. Always makes me nervous to see small children carrying even smaller children
80. I think pears are underrated just because of their pear shape
81. “Pleasure forever” – Christian who ignores all the parts of the Bible that forbid pleasure
82. If you have one cat, you’re alt. If you have two cats, you’re kinda kooky. If you have three or more cats, I am scared of you
83. I am a ghost-man who lived perfectly then died so you could have sex before marriage w/o burning for eternity. Also, I designed frogs! – JC
84. It will take every ounce of my strength and every portion of my will to fold this clean laundry
85. “I am so happy with all the choices I make & I’d like to tell how happy I am with how everything is going, here on the internet” – A liar
86. Sorry is for when you don’t have the courage to say what you really mean
87. Tonight, feeling bad for online daters. Also, people without big butts
88. No matter how popular ur website is, it’ll never be as popular as Gmail
89. Having your Papa John’s password emailed to you makes the process all the more unseemly
90. I bet Valentine cards these days have a thought bubble saying, “I favorited you, in my heart” & there’s a picture of Selena Gomez winking
91. If ur website is a .net I feel bad for you, son
92. Which URL shortener is most alt? I guess what I’m asking is, which one does Claire Boucher use?
93. Just because it’s plaid, don’t make it flannel
94. The thing is, if it’s from a criminal, it would be illicit sympathy
95. The most poetic brose comes when he writes truly, from the heart, “My visor turned it to the side, I saw her ass. & it was awesome.”
96. Are we to believe Bob Saget is remembering this whole thing off the top of his head or is he reading from a memoir or what?
97. “See, Daddy, SEE, look at me now! I made it! I made it, Daddy! I bet you’d love to see me now, wouldn’t you!” – Person with pierced septum
98. Wish I was a girl after a breakup & my ex sees me at a club & I’m dancing to “Call Your Girlfriend.” FYI, I’m looking really hot that night
99. “It’s really hard being a comedian.” Okay, you’re caught up with podcasts now
100. If someone tells you they’re in “a really good place right now” what they meant to say is the opposite.