1. Panties – Bloomers. Underoos. ‘Butt-holders’ would even be better. Say panties if you’re a serial killer, or desire to be one.
2. Amazeballs – Sufjan said it, but he shouldn’t have, and neither should you. In some circles, it is number one.
3. Random – Everything in the universe is random. But you wouldn’t add random to every sentence…would you? I mean, you wouldn’t…would you?
4. Lynchian – You’ve seen a David Lynch movie. Cool. Now go learn some new words.
5. Prose – When I hear this, my gag-reflex trips. If your body is working correctly, that should happen to you as well.
6. Whilst – If you studied Middle English in graduate school, then fine.
7. Very – In writing, very is very useless. I’m sure you agree.
8. Whom – Don’t be that guy.
9. Aforementioned – Really, don’t be.
10. Moist – See ‘panties’
11. Screwing – Like Rosie Perez once said, only if you’re a carpenter.
12. Literally – If we could ease up on this one, even just a little, the world would be a better place.
13. Molly – In reference to the drug, I don’t care. Nobody cares. Your grandparents know what it is. Stop it.
14. Kafkaesque – See ‘Lynchian’
15. Tweet – I guess if you can say it in a sentence with a straight face, then, okay. But there’s a reason everyone pauses before they say this word.
16. Patriarchy – I hope your freshman year of college is going well.
17. Sorry – Unless you mean it. But you don’t. So, never.
18. Preggers – This word reminds me of Facebook. Shivers.
19. Tho – This and the following four words are in the context of the internet. This one, I might chalk up to age. But I have to believe someone under the age of 25 cringes, even just a little, when this word is at the end of a sentence for no reason tho.
20. I can’t – Two words, fine, but I can. And you can too.
21. This – Is tired.
22. Pro-tip – If you are an actual professional giving a tip, then, okay. But are? I mean, a professional?
23. Pubes – Something primordially gross about this one.
24. Twerk – What is this, 2011? Do you get your news from the Today show?
25. Right – When reinforcing your own statement, or prefacing something you’re about to say. Basically, how Malcolm Gladwell uses it.
26. Across-the-aisle – More of a phrase, and I don’t know if people in the real world actually say it, but if they do, I pray for their soul.
27. Spiritual-not-religious – I’m cheating again, but people who say this are cheating too.
28. Punny – Nothing ever is.
29. Esoteric – The dictionary definition of this word is “intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest.” Yeah, that sounds right.
30. Fiancé – See ‘Preggers.’ Also, Seinfeld.