100 Dealbreakers (If I Were A Woman)

Nikko Russano

1. If he spends a lot of time on Facebook

2. If he says Annie Hall is his favorite Woody Allen movie

3. If he does not have a job

4. If he uses more lotion than me

5. If he uses lip balm, at all

6. If he blogs about what it feels like to be in love

7. If has not read Richard Yates, the novelist

8. If he pronounces Yeats as Yeets

9. If he has a cat

10. If he believes the Bible was breathed by God

11. If he tweets yoga wisdom

12. If he identifies as a member of an art collective

13. If he’s been on OkCupid for more than two years

14. If he has undefined reasons for not eating meat

15. If he does not love Aaron Paul with a beard

16. If he never closes his eyes when we kiss

17. If he makes really intense eye contact during sex

18. If he calls me names (pet names ok)

19. If he lies about small things

20. If he kisses with too much tongue

21. If he never kisses with any tongue

22. If he tells me how great he is at giving head before we have sex

23. If he has a sour smell

24. If he has a sweet smell

25. If he says that college was the best time of his life

26. If he debates what the meaning of rape is

27. If he always reverts the conversation back to himself

28. If he laughs through his teeth

29. If he has to be high to have sex

30. If he wants to go swing dancing

31. If he is more than 10 minutes late to the first time we meet

32. If he doesn’t get along with his mom

33. If he gets along with his mom too much

34. If he’s never had his heart broken

35. If he uses the word ‘perf’ instead of perfect

36. If he says that Family Guy is his favorite TV show

37. If he has to be touching to fall sleep

38. If he uses internet slang to the point of indecipherability

39. If he purposefully waits to return text messages

40. If he is cold, physically

41. If he laughs too loud

42. If he talks too soft

43. If he wants to be treated poorly to earn affection (not in a bdsm way)

44. If he is really into BDSM

45. If he is really into OMing

46. If he has to drink every night

47. If he thinks getting drunk makes someone an alcoholic

48. If he corrects people’s grammar when he is not being paid to do so

49. If he does not understand the difference between good and bad writing

50. If he writes listicles for the internet

51. If he posts poetry on the internet ever

52. If he talks extensively of exes

53. If he smacks his food when he eats

54. If he wears organic deodorant

55. If he brushes his teeth with organic toothpaste

56. If, after the age of 20, he dated high school girls

57. If he believes all women should keep their legs shaved

58. If he believes body hair is important

59. If he posts selfies anywhere, at any time

60. If he believes in the healing powers of kombucha

61. If he conflates traveling with being cultured

62. If he likes cuddling more than me

63. If he wears sandals anywhere other than the beach

64. If he dresses better than me

65. If he wears black dress shoes with jeans

66. If he wears suit jackets with jeans

67. If he says he’s my type before we meet

68. If he has ever used Plenty of Fish

69. If he has ever used EHarmony

70. If he has ever used Match

71. If he has ever used ChristianMingle

72. If he only texts after 11 at night

73. If he can’t lift me

74. If he’s shorter than me

75. If he will only eat ‘certain foods’

76. If he’s gluten free

77. If he thinks being gluten free is a made up thing

78. If he cries a lot

79. If he says crying is for pussies

80. If he talks about other women a lot

81. If he thinks polyamory is tenable

82. If he cannot allow, even the idea of, more than one love in a lifetime

83. If he doesn’t change the toilet paper roll

84. If he says the word “right” before making a statement

85. If he says “huh” even though he hears me

86. If he doesn’t appreciate 90s R&B

87. If he lives with his parents

88. If he ever tells me to work out more

89. If he knows a lot about Joe Rogan

90. If he does a comb-over or a push-forward (unless he’s Justin Vernon)

91. If he leaves toothpaste residue around the bathroom sink

92. If he compares me to other women

93. If he lives in the suburbs

94. If he has over 10,000 tweets

95. If he says he wants to write a novel

96. If he goes to raves

97. If he has ever been a dj

98. If he can’t love someone more than himself

99. If he can’t say what he’s feeling

100. If he doesn’t have a car (outside of NYC) TC mark

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