Sometimes shit gets so real – all you want to do is put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Then there are days you could eat the sun, because you are so god damned happy and you feel like you can conquer the world – and all of your limitations are only in your brain. But the truth is, they are in your brain and to overcome, you have to tame your mind – and the horrible thing is, we are just slaves until we figure out how to become the master.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 19. But I didn’t know I had Borderline Personality Disorder until I was 23 – and I had made my most recent suicide attempt. I have been ridiculed for my emotions my entire life – sometimes by my family or by people who I considered friends. I’ve been accused of being “too sensitive”, “you live in the past”, and anything demeaning you can think of. I forgave them because they don’t know what it feels like to not KNOW who you are and to know what you are capable of. There are things you just can’t snap out of and sometimes the circumstances you are stuck in don’t make things any easier. I’ve tried therapy and it doesn’t work. So I write and that helps on most occasions.
There are days when I can’t make myself get out of bed and I feel guilty for sleeping the whole morning away. Then I have days where I will be awake at the crack of dawn and I’ll make a list of things I want to do and I actually do them. I take medication for anxiety and I take anti-depressants. I am 28 now and because of my disorders; I have not been able to finish 3 classes of my undergrad. That fact weighs down on me like an anchor – and every time the subject is brought up I feel like I am drowning. I am intelligent, I got straight A’s and got into Law School. But I didn’t go because I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. There are so many things I have had to let go of, have had to sacrifice because of my illness. I’m really tired and I need a break, I need some relief.
I am not successful. But I know I can be. I am good at so many things but not great at anything. I wish there was a cure for me – I wish all the positive thinking in the world could fix me but it can’t. All I can do is hang on to the sliver of hope that someday I will be okay.
What do you do when you are sinking and there is no end in sight? I cry sometimes because I don’t know what to do with myself. I am capable of sadness and happiness. I am capable of so many things but I can’t find anything to hold on to. I don’t want to give up – I want to live. I want to travel. I want to feel alive. I want to have a purpose.
Do you know what your purpose is?