I often have found myself dizzy. Like a dog chasing its tail, I have performed the asinine activity of chasing the same thing, chasing my past, chasing answers that likely have no conclusion around, and around, and around once more. And like a stray mutt, I usually wound up breathless and unsatisfied. Nauseated with confusion and bruised with pondered impressions, I fell. Soon, to fall in love with the season of my life.
Embracing the season of my life has meant destructing the “house” I imagined and played as a child. It has meant removing the ambition I was conditioned to embody as a student with long-term goals. It has meant falling off the tightrope of a timeline drawn by arbitrary thought and practices. Embracing the season of my life has meant accepting and celebrating the fact that I do not know, and should not know what the future holds, who I should be, or what I want. I have bleached my soul of certainty not so I can replenish with newly conceived theories or dreams or goals, but because holding myself to any dream with a six-month or year-long expiration date means I am holding disappointment and disillusionment close by. If I have learned one lesson each time I’ve chased my tail, it’s that timing is everything and you and *~*~*the universe*~*~ are rarely reading the same watch. Embracing a season means not over-anticipating the next one. It means relinquishing the reins of control, and allowing things to take shape and focus. No longer can I magnify my deprivations and be solely fueled on determination; I must see and savor what is, and why it is. I am without a partner or permanent job, because I am freelancing as a writer and artist and independent of any financial or emotional commitment, free to run. Throwing stones at the “house” isn’t about rebuilding, it’s about running.
Embracing the season of my life is recognizing that there will be times of harvest and times of spree. In addition to recognizing this, I must acknowledge that each season, whether poignant or pleasant, is exceptional in experience. I look back at times of piercing heartache. Though nothing short of terrorizing, it was not permanent and only served me experience. The time I spent mourning and burying my heart in confusion, was also a time I learned how to express empathy and pain to others. It strengthened the bond I had with other women, and strengthened the bond I had never had with myself. Learning to distinguish what was wrong and how to heal my heart sans distractions taught me lessons about care and devotion. Soon I was able to blossom and have the courage to endure more tackling turmoil with experience and confidence.
Even currently, I sometimes find myself weeping tears of wistfulness but I soon recognize that this has been a season of exploration and new beginnings: I bought my first post-graduate place, and have traveled to new cities and countries with girlfriends. At present time, I have more friendships and good people in my life than ever before. This time will serve me later, but it’s also feeding me now. There will come a time I will be raptured in tangled bed sheets or perhaps breastfeeding a baby, and I will have particular burdens blocking my opportunity to cure my wanderlust or devote time to friendships. In that season, I will only have memories, these memories. As I have reminded myself before, this is a grateful season of adventure; my season for love, my season for success is coming—and all three are rich in experience.
Peeling back layers of security blankets is chilling. It looks much like abandonment and feels intimidating at times, but I think being afraid to leave behind the expected and not living in constant preparation for the future is the rawest form of liberation. I can no longer hold myself accountable for life’s variables in which I have no control. I can’t beat myself up for not cradling coveted treasures that I only think I need. I can celebrate uncertainty and dance in jubilation that this season is not bitter, but embracing.
I make no promises that it will “all make sense one day”; I promise that it can all be OK today. Embrace the season of your life.