1. Tom Daley.
Tom Daley could fart and it would make every major gay news outlet. Don’t get me wrong, I think he is a cute little athletic cupcake, but let’s get real: he’s not the second coming of Jesus. I’m totally glad he’s playing for our team too, but can everyone take a breather for a second?
2. Justin Bieber.
Justin Bieber is an honorary gay because, amidst his racism, privilege, and overall disrespect of everyone around him, he has maintained a fiercely (read: blindly) loyal gay male following. Who cares if he uses racial slurs? He’s cute. He could stab someone and these fans, who by no means represent the entire gay male community, would somehow find a way to blame it on the victim. I really don’t understand. He has the thin mustache of a 15-year-old. He dresses like he’s paying homage to Kevin Federline circa 2004. And he probably smells like dirty dick. I think instead of shipping him to Canada, we should just find a tiny deserted island and leave him there.
3. Davey Wavey.
Davey Wavey is so talented! Like I can’t think of anyone with more charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent. Seriously. His channel is a wonderland of intellectual stimulation. My favorite video of his is the one where he takes his shirt off.
4. All of Magcon.
Wait…they’re not gay? Seriously? I thought maybe that’s why they’re famous, because I’ve never actually seen them do anything that deserves attention. Color me surprised.
5. Neil Patrick Harris.
The gay community will be up in arms when they see this one. While I think NPH is an invaluable asset to the LGBTQ community, and a truly talented individual, I believe that it’s become an expectation that all gay men must love him (sort of like Lady Gaga for a while). I bet he’d be an absolute blast to hang out with, but I don’t make a habit of swooning after people nearly double my age (unless they’re David Boreanaz or Christopher Meloni).
6. Anderson Cooper.
I feel like a bad gay for not having a crush on this silver-haired man. People fanboy over him so hard, and I’ve just never been able to get on that train. I think his politics are great and that he’s a highly intelligent man — but that doesn’t mean I want to bang him, or hear about how cute he is every five minutes.
7. Jonathan Groff.
Jonathan Groff is the reason I decided not to watch Looking. I heard the show was a realistic portrayal of gay life. Then I saw Mr. Groff, who was supposed to be playing the “average” guy. Puh-lease! Are we really supposed to believe Jonathan Groff is playing the nerdy average guy? I’d sooner believe that Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj gave each other a genuine compliment. The real problem with Jonathan Groff is similar to the problem with Tom Daley. He is shoved down your throat, constantly. Yes, you’re attractive. Yes, you’re talented. It’d just be nice to be able to go one day without having to hear about him, and how much of a gay icon he is.
8. Johnny Weir.
From Jonathan to Johnny. It blows me away that this “fashionista” still has a following after the disturbing and violent discoveries about his most recent relationship. What was more annoying (but much less shocking) was the hype he received for his support of the Olympics in Russia. He was naively praised for standing up for gay athletes and gay Russians. However, what people need to understand is that his fame is contingent on the Olympics remaining relevant, so of course he is going to support them. And even if he did truly care about the gay athletes and citizens of Russia he shouldn’t have received praise like he was some kind of hero. Last time I checked he wasn’t on the ground, fighting the oppression alongside activists. All he did was play dress up and do some reporting. Wow.