The New Type Of Oral Sex That You Absolutely HAVE To Try

Flickr / Helga Weber
Flickr / Helga Weber

It’s 2015. Almost 2016. Sexual liberation is a thing. But more importantly, eating ass is a thing. It’s the hippest. All the kids are doing it. Little Jimmy down the block is doing it. Hell, even your mom is doing it. But don’t let your father know.

We’ve reached the pinnacle of sexual freedom in western society. Short of fucking a dead pig in the mouth (I’m looking at you David Cameron), you can basically do whatever you want without scrutiny. I mean, yeah, sure, there’s always going to be folks who’ll gripe because they’re insecure about their sexual prowess, or masculinity, or whatever, but let’s get real. Nobody gives a fuck for more than 5 minutes if you have a weird fetish or sexual quirk you can’t live without.

Now, in our present day and age, some things have become standard fair for bedroom play. Oral sex being one of them. Here’s a simple rule of thumb, don’t date anyone who has a problem putting your bits in, on, or around their mouth. You’re a human being and you deserve to be treated like one. Moreover, stay clear of anyone – man or woman – who finds the prospect of eating ass to be filthy or vulgar. That person is very likely, to their deepest core, the reincarnated demonic soul of Hitler and you can do much better than that.

Why is eating ass so taboo? And why is it popular on the internet to say that you eat ass when you’ve never eaten ass? These are things I don’t understand and never will. So I consulted analingist expert Dr. John Straussman, who taught sexual studies at Harvard University from 2002 to 2004, about the trend and his thoughts on the matter.

“People have a misinformed concept that the anus is a naturally bacteria-infested area on the body, but they couldn’t be more wrong. The rectum, on the other hand, is quite the germ pit. I don’t recommend putting your mouth on any objects that have been inserted into the rectum at any point, as that can lead to a number of diseases and even death,” Dr. Straussman said.

“Analingist however is completely safe as long as your partner has thoroughly cleaned their rear.”

So what’s the deal? Why are people so quick to munch on their bae’s pissy parts when four inches south is a whole new land of opportunity? Dr. Straussman shared his theory.

“I think the easy answer poop, people are afraid of poop. Poop is bad,” said Dr. Straussman. “Personally, I think that’s a cop-out. I don’t think it has anything at all to do with poop. I think people are internalizing racism they carry in everyday life, deep-seated racism, and they unconsciously punish themselves out of guilt by not eating butt. It’s the only theory that scientifically holds water at this point.”

In 2011 I attended a college party and proceeded to get blackout drunk. In the hour leading up to my brain turning to mush, I asked a collective of three hooligans, who I vaguely overheard chatting about foreplay, what exactly they were talking about. A chubby, curly haired fellow (who will go unnamed) simply said, “Eating ass.”

I thought to myself, Splendid!

“That’s fantastic,” I said, about seven beers and three 4Lokos deep.

“Eating ass, having your ass eaten, it’s all great.”

All three of them looked at me like I was the neighborhood pervert. “Well, actually,” the curly haired guy said in a timid voice, “Not so much eating ass as having your ass eaten.” This frizzy haired bag of shit had the nerve to look at me like I was the weirdo.

Well, no longer. I refuse to partake in a society where evildoers shame the world’s ass eaters. A change must come. These hate-mongers need to be taught a lesson and the posers need to be smoked out of their holes. If you ever encounter anyone who’s quick to judge you for your analingist skills or claims to “luv eatin the booty” but truly hasn’t dared, follow the instructions below…

  • Creep to their bedside in the middle of the night
  • Surround their sleeping quarters with broken twigs and blades of grass
  • Hold a lantern high above their heads
  • Chant the following hymn:

“One, two, three
The devil’s after me
Four, five, six
He’s always throwing bricks
Seven, eight, nine
He misses every time
Glory, Hallelujah, Amen!”

Nine out of ten times that will convert them to see the evil in their ways and also drive any and all wandering foxes out of your home. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

More From Thought Catalog