1. You eat sand, like, all the time.
2. Just so many sand.
3. Wow sand.
4. You have a dog named Waffle.
5. There’s a ghost inside your Teddy Ruxpin doll.
6. Neil Gaiman.
7. Oh gosh, you spilled spaghetti all over your shirt (only 90s kids will get this).
8. Wendy’s fired you without explanation.
9. “Firefox? I didn’t even hire Fox! Lol.” (family joke)
10. You frequently torrent episodes of The Tony Danza Show.
11. You feed your grandma band-aids.
12. You stole a pound of heroin from RJ Mitte’s cattle ranch.