All Men With Gelled Hair Are Nazis

Racism. Intrigue. Propaganda. Hitler was capable of many things and he wore his hair flat to his head, much like an emotional mid-2000s adolescent.

Perhaps Nazi/alien communication did, indeed, occur as the 1937 UFO crash in Freiburg, Germany suggests. Who’s to say that aliens are not future humans capable of time travel, having evolved thousands of years in both technology and image? To what use is having a protruding nose in the future? To what use is skin color in the future? We can all be gray and hairless, with big, black computer eyes, and flat snouts. Handsome, like my uncle.

When Neil deGrasse Tyson was born, the world never predicted he’d be capable of destroying beloved Sandra Bullock films, and because of that 10/06 will live on in infamy. Tyson, as an astrophysicist, however, does believe that aliens are not only alive but that they walk among us. In a 1996 interview with Sally Jessie Rafael, Tyson shot up from his seat and proclaimed, “By the name of Jesus Christ, I do solemnly swear that The Greys abducted Hitler and gave him a shave.”

The audience just kind of looked at him as if he were the type of man to enjoy mint flavored macaroni. Sally Jessie Rafael quickly derailed the subject by discussing birth controlling and then asked Tyson to plug his new Geocities website. That was the end of the episode.

But if Tyson is correct, which he is, then that means that Hitler lives—or lived—among us. Aliens, or advanced humans (depending on your religious beliefs), aligned with Hitler after two years of captivity and brought him to the mid2000s. Probably 2006. That was a year musically dominated by the likes of Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, and My Chemical Romance. To what purpose would the aliens have in exposing Adolf to such bands?

Fashion.

Pete Wentz and Adolf Hitler had similar hairstyles, though Wentz’s hair was spikier and therefore more dangerous in appearance. Adolf was clearly inspired by Pete Wentz, then returned to the past—became the infamous haired dictator of Nazi Germany—and then returned to the future under the guise of a falsified suicide. That, of course, required that all photos of Hitler prior to 1939 be photoshopped to include his ~modern~ hairstyle—which they were, since Hitler came back to Nazi Germany with a MacBook featuring 20+ installed programs.

It makes you wonder, though… Would Hitler of the Future have kept the signature flat-domed haircut he became known for, or would he adapt to the ever-changing fashion trends of the western world? Let’s ask Pete Wentz…

What is with the current style of men having gelled hair? Up until 2012, no man ever spiked his hair—let alone with gel. What compels a man to make his hair look like the branch of a pine tree, or the tippity top of a chainlink fence? It makes no sense. Moreover, why doesn’t Neil Degrasse Tyson have spikey hair? The answer is simple.

Nazism.

The swastika is dead. Michael Jordan reclaimed the mustache. Hugo Boss was run out of town by Russell Brand. Spiked hair is the new symbol for hate.

Approximately six years after 1939, World War II ended. Six years after 2006, Pete Wentz began spiking his hair with gel. Now, more than ever, it is evident that the Nazi dictator lives among us and has infiltrated our culture with this latest trend of hairstyle.

In the 21st century it is important to all proponents of bigotry that their hatred remain covert, hidden like a baby seal in the arctic. When said-bigotry becomes public, outraged Twitter users will proceed to send harangues of messages toward the offender until the user deletes their account. Hitler knows that from a PR perspective, being outted as a bigot would be political suicide. Outwardly hating Jews is so 20th century. Hitler must take a modern approach and use buzzwords like ‘Woody Allen.’

Masking Nazism with hairstyles of perceived beauty and grace, like those of Mr. Wentz and, to a much lesser extent, Miley Cyrus, means that hatred is free flowing, and little by little prejudice is taking prominence through fashion. But there is a way to stop it.

When you see a man on the street with gel in his hair, do not spit at him or verbally abuse him or physically assault him in any way. That is the way of the past. It is ineffective. Rudeness begets rudeness and wasting energy on negativity has no lasting positive contribution. We live in the almost-future and it’s time to start acting like it.

Instead, look the man dead in the eye and recite the following hymn:

One, two, three,
Hitler’s after me,
Four, five, six,
He’s always throwing bricks,
Seven, eight, nine,
He misses every time,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Amen!

This is a proven tactic to turn the Nazi enemy into a puddle of banana-hued pudding. It is the only way to truly end World War II. If you love your country, your fellow man, and strive for the equality of the human race then you will fight alongside me to end Hitler and the Aliens’s undercover reign of Aryan supremacy and cook your mother a nice meatloaf dinner.