This post isn’t about what’s right or wrong, but about expanding the notion that not all men cheat because they’re sex addicts, dogs, or in sexless marriages. Women and men cheat for a variety of reasons, but from my own personal experience working as a high-class escort, these were the top six reasons why clients hired a professional:
1) You’re Never Happy
But your neighbors and social circle think you are. You have the perfect kids, beautiful home, fancy car – all the things people mistakenly think bring you happiness. But you know (and your husband knows) that you’re miserable. You have no real sense of self, passions, hobbies or friends that you trust. Your husband is constantly at work even when he’s at home, and day in and day out is a constant rerun of the same movie starring you, and a mindless list of to-dos. He knows he can’t make you happy. He’s tried, but as one client expressed, “You can only do so much before making her happy begins to feel like a second full-time job.” You either represent home to a man or more work. And the truth is he really does want to see you happy; he just can’t want it more than you.
2) You’ve Become His Mother
I’ll never forget when one of my clients asked his friend, “When did our wives become our mothers?” Nagging never works. It actually repels men. Honestly, ask yourself: has nagging ever worked on me? The answer is “no.” Men and women hate to be nagged because it makes them feel like children, and as adults, no one wants to feel like they’re sleeping with their parents. Here’s the deal…He knows he’s not perfect. He knows things need to get done around the house, and he’s committed to doing them after he’s had some time to relax and recharge. There are a thousand ways to ask for what you need, the way that you need it, and in what timeframe, while still in a respectful manner. Nagging is not one of them.
3) You’ve Let Yourself Go
Gosh, remember that woman he was instantly drawn to? The one he was in full pursuit of? Always trying to impress? That was you. Slinky black dress, lace bra, matching panties, and sexy perfume with an ease and flow to your walk and laugh. He was mesmerized, and you were radiant, independent, curious and passionate about life. Your secret? You were in love! With him, with life, and with yourself! You didn’t care what others thought, until you did, and that became the problem. You started living their dreams – and stopped being you. You stopped caring about going to the gym, brushing your hair, putting make-up on, reading and painting. Your kids and their lives have consumed your entire life and guess what? He was most attracted to the free-spirited woman he fell in love with years ago because she made herself a priority before him, the kids, and social media and that was sexy. And no, you weren’t selfish; you were balanced.
4) You Need Help
He’s not expecting you to go through life’s challenges all alone, but he certainly can’t be your husband, lover, best friend, mechanic, contractor, babysitter, and therapist. Put down the wine and anti-depressants and seek professional help. Everyone has Mommy and Daddy issues and I’m here to tell you they don’t go away with two bottles of wine and a bag of Doritos. Do yourself and your heart a favor by processing past trauma, disappointments and old, destructive beliefs that prevent you from feeling happy. Well-rested, self-assured, and self-loving makes for a very attractive wife and compassionate mother.
5) He Doesn’t Feel Seen
When’s the last time you made him a priority? Asked him if he was happy? How he was doing with company cutbacks? Do you ever take the time to figure out what his needs are? Or step into his world and perspective? If the answer is “no,” he’s going to be attracted to someone who does. Men want to feel respected and seen for something other than the husband who can’t seem to do anything right. They have dreams, passions, vulnerable emotions and doubts. If they don’t feel safe sharing intimate moments with you, they will often seek it out in physical form with someone else.
Which brings me to the topic of sex. Sex is extremely important and validating to a man. If you don’t want it or like it, you may need to figure out why because doing it as a favor or obligation feels wrong to the both of you. He doesn’t want to beg for it or feel pressured to finish under five minutes. It makes him feel deeply ashamed and unloved. And when a man isn’t getting his physical needs met, he has two choices: stay in a sexless marriage or cheat, or both.
6) He Really Does Love You
I was always curious as to why my clients hired escorts rather than just leave their wives. And you know what the most common answer was? “Because I love her and my family.” Hiring a professional was a way for them to get their needs met without disrupting the family unit. Contrary to Pretty Woman, professionals don’t fall in love and they don’t call unless they are called upon. There are clear and defined boundaries to keep both parties and their personal lives safe. Putting his marriage and kids first, was his priority. But he’s at a point where he really feels that despite trying to talk to you and working things out, nothing has changed. So, though it’s not “right,” spending an hour or two with a professional to escape, it is his way of (silently) saying, “I’m still committed to you.”