I know, I know. It’s quite possibly everyone’s favorite post-break-up thing to say about their ex. “Ugh, (s)he was awful in the sack anyway. Good riddance.” And I get it. It makes us feel better about losing them if we can convince ourselves that they suck in bed and that any person who has the misfortune of being with them will be equally disappointed in their performance. But come on. We all know it’s BS. So here are a few reasons why we should just stop saying it all together:
1. Everyone’s Bits Fit Together Differently
Everyone is built differently. Just because most men have a penis and most women have a vagina doesn’t mean all penises and vaginas fit together perfectly. Just because your bits don’t fit together like puzzle pieces, doesn’t mean it won’t happen for someone else.
2. Everyone Has Different Preferences
There are probably more fetishes than there are chickens in Montana, so finding a person with the exact same set of them as you is not very likely. Sometimes your fetishes fit with theirs, sometimes they don’t. There is also the difference of fast and slow, hard or soft top or bottom, backwards or forwards etc. And it’s hard to find just the right rhythm.
3. It’s Probably Just Your Bitterness Anyway
Let’s face it: you’re pissed. Breaking up, even if you two were just lovers, hurts. It feels good to talk crap about them afterwards. And saying they were bad in bed may ward off potential lovers (especially if someone in your group of friends was planning on going for it). It’s a defense mechanism. And it needs to stop. There are tons of other shitty things you could probably say about them that are probably much more valid. Judging someone in bed then talking about it to others is a crappy thing to do. We are all so different. I can guarantee that each of us is in someone’s top five worst sexual experience. But we are all probably someone else’s top five best.
4. It’s Our Culture Telling Us To Do It
We are a culture that is extremely obsessed with sex and how to do it the best we possibly can. Otherwise Cosmo would never be able to sell a single magazine. But considering we will never know what each partner wants specifically, we need to start taking the focus off of what or who is good and bad in bed and try figuring out why you think they are one or the other.
Your most recent partner was horrible? Why? Did he do a certain move that hurt or did he make sports references the whole time? Or (s)he was the best ever? Was it intimacy? The right size? Long enough foreplay? If you can be insightful enough to use your sexual experiences to expand upon your knowledge of what you like and what you don’t like, the sex can only get better in your life- as long as you are willing to ask for it.
Just remember that your pleasure is just as important as your partners (I’m looking at you, ladies) so if you don’t like something your partner is doing, be brave enough to ask him/her to stop. Or you love something that they aren’t doing? Try asking them to do it. Communication is key to a great sexual life. And remember that consent is sexy.