Hey, I Heard You Finally Snagged That Career-Track Job You’ve Been Eyeing

Congratulations! You’ve escaped the plebian hell that 70% of America are currently living in. It’s time to go through your phone. The vast majority of your friends are now below you, so you should get to alienating them as quickly as possible. I know it might be tough at first. You’ve known them for so long. Been through so much. But it’s for the best.

You’re an important person now, and you’re making important person money. You can’t hang out with the riff raff anymore. What happens when your new coworkers and richer, more attractive friends see you? That would be awkward as hell. Hanging out and dating below your station simply won’t do if you’re trying to impress your peers. And you know what they say: it’s not what you know. It’s who you know.

There are a couple ways to get the job done. The first way is to proclaim that you’re busy. Busy busy busy. You’re too busy at your glamorous and exciting new job and although you’d love to hang out, you’ve got deadlines to meet, busywork to do, and asses to kiss. If that excuse is wearing thin, you can suggest activities that you can afford but you know your friends can’t. That’s a surefire way to ditch those of scant means.

Once you’ve taken care of that, it’s time to turn inward. To your closet, that is. Yes, it’s never too early to jump on the hedonic treadmill. Did you use to shop at discount outlets for last season’s Old Navy and The Gap? Forget those brands existed. It’s way too prole, and not in the hip, edgy way. It’s nothing but Banana Republic and Ralph Lauren from here on out. Be sure to sign up for their store cards so you can get all their exclusive offerings.

While you’re at it, you should probably reconsider the car you’re driving. That old beater might be fine for a fast food worker or even a Starbucks barista, but it’s nothing short of embarrassing in the company parking lot. The good news is, you don’t even need that much money to afford to drive a car worthy of your newfound status. Half of all BMWs and Mercedes are leased, which makes sense because you can trade up for the next generation 3 years later after bearing the brunt of brutal depreciation schedule for German cars.

And you absolutely have to move. It’s not enough just to be in the city. You need to be in the right parts of the city. Make sure your new place is within walking distance to the swankiest bars, clubs, and restaurants. Remember to splurge on furniture so you can impress your rich, attractive friends. Distressed wooden surfaces are so in right now.

Anyways, go out there and kill it for the next 5 years or so. Once you start moving up the ladder, you’ll need advice on how to protect and grow your nest egg. Four words: actively managed mutual funds. You can thank me later.