I love that in this country the answers to all your problems are sold to anyone looking eighteen-ish or older at nearly every corner. Lights or menthols, filtered or unfiltered, a Costco carton or a single loosey from an inner-city shop where the Armenian owner legitimately only stocks those, scratch-offs, and catfish—yes, cigarettes are our true salvation. Sorry I’m not sorry if this volcano of veracity ruins therapy sessions, the Guides for Dummies series, or religion for you, but every one of their so-called lessons can honestly be simplified down to the concise, universal maxim that smoking more is always better.
The FDA has busy spreading propaganda facilitating their movement for less tobacco and less happiness in this country. The antidote is ready; continue, suck down the indisputable benefits of perpetually having a fag in your mouth and you’ll be on the road to a better, tastier tomorrow.
1. Appetite Suppressor
Simply have a cigarette the next time snack cravings set in. Avoid the whole song and dance of setting your alarm for the middle of the night to wake up, eat all the kids’ ice cream in the dark, sob uncontrollably, and then destroy the evidence before morning. Now you can just quickly burn a hot pleasure stick and hop contently back in bed. It’s easy. Tell your fat friends the next time you’re shopping for Rascal Scooter or Big Dogs shirts that you’re now able to overcome the pseudo-magnetic attraction to Golden Corral’s chocolate fountain by just sucking down a sexy nicotine dream from time to time.
2. Relaxation Facilitator
You’re feeling like you’re stuck in second gear; it’s hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but don’t take it out on your family or an unsuspecting Olive Garden hostess. When you realize you’re stressed, or notice that you’ve been unconsciously biting your fingernails into little, creepy dwarf nails, just step outside and roast a sweet, refreshing bone. The next time that whiny, little jerk-face you birthed throws a fit over eating asparagus that escalates to him ruining your wedding album with a combination of bathroom substances and bodily functions, just keep calm and know that good ol’ historically-effective tobacco has your back. Wield those euphoric smokables pragmatically and it’ll probably save you from straining your vocal cords, having to cut a switch, or planning a “field trip” to the orphanage.
3. Frivolous Spending Inhibitor
Depending on what degree of kick-ass your completely-charmed kind of smoke-filled life is at, your penchant for nirvana-inducing fun squares can get expensive. Some would see the cost as a negative, but, really, you’re just spending your money on something that’s guaranteed to bring delight into your life. How many pets/charities/Tamagotchis could honestly say there’s no chance that they’d turn out to be a burden and a complete waste of money in the end? An addiction to tobacco ensures you have less loot to fritter away on awful purchases that clutter up your space and make you feel terrible about your impulsive fiscal tendencies. Plus, it’s not like you want to leave any money to those wedding-album-ruining offspring anyways. In a perfect world, a soothing, attractive habit of puffing on the devil’s wand a few times a day can help you die perfectly broke—not like a homeless murder, but like dying after you spent your last bit of money on pure joy, much like overdosing on pleasure after you spent your last $10k on a hot-tub drug orgy.
4. Old Age Avoidance
The Golden Girls lied to us. The twilight of human lives are not filled with scripted laughs and charming romantic entanglements, no, the later years realistically seem like all shit and no giggles. Putting down a pack of tar-laced delight a day for years will have you never having to say, “I should have died years ago,” because, frankly, you’ll already be dead. Finally, you don’t have to plan for retirement, worry about investments, or have to learn what a 401k is. You can just kick back, totally chill, and spend your money on awesome stuff, like wolf dogs, swords, and fireworks to drop down toilets. Carpe diem—have that extra cigarette, eat that bacon-fried Danish burger, and cancel that dentist appointment.
5. Attractiveness Enhancer
When I see a hot n’ ready slice of dude light up a stick of adult candy, well, my mind starts racing and the fantasies of that all-American tasty-cake James Dean not giving a fuckwit and driving his motorcycle through dead man’s curve and off into the sunset begin. Put that Newport, or American Spirit, or P-Funk out and you’re just another Urkel fumbling around the bar like a horny magician. Keep it lit, though, and you’re just like Humphrey “The Original Pantydropper” Bogart: a suave man’s man who know the quickest route to Flavor Country and Orgasm City.