Welcome To Coffee Addicts Anonymous

Trade all day. Party all night. Never sleep. Never die. No question, I was using round the clock. I’d carry a baggy of product with me and rub a dab of Peruvian brown in my gums for little pick me ups throughout the day.

Other People’s Bodies: The Terrifying Frontier

I was once a conquistador, a Cortés with an unquenchable thirst for new lands to explore, plunder, and exploit for Aztec gold. Consumed by wonder and unbridled optimism I thought the best about any and all potential sexual prospects.

Doughnuts Have An Aftertaste Of Crippling Guilt

This post-doughnut aftermath is grim. It’s not in my job description, but the rest of this workday will be spent curled up in the backseat of my car, sobbing and trying to avoid catching my reflection in the rearview mirror.

5 Signs Your Breakup Is Long, Long Overdue

There’s nothing that excites you about this person anymore, but it also isn’t like you’ve settled into a comfortable, fun rhythm like a couple in a Cheerios or Cialis commercial.

The Blaze Of Glory Fantasy Job Resignation

Frozen in fear, my boss drops his phone; his mouth agape as I suavely enter. It’s then that I start in on a laundry list of aggressively-specific unlovable personal traits about him in my best Ryan-Gosling-in-Drive voice while he begins weeping into an old boot filled with bathtub gin that he apparently keeps under his desk.