Classic Conservative Quotations, Translated
By Jay Gabler
“I have such contempt for you that I don’t think you can even conceive of a reality where ‘big’ and ‘little’ are not opposing moral concepts, even though a lot of you ‘little guys’ drive massive trucks and don’t see any contradiction in that.”
“The fact that Cuba has a lower infant mortality rate than the U.S. is due to magic Caribbean winds; if Cuba became a capitalist country with a health care system like we have in America, the infant mortality rate there would actually be a negative number—the babies would be so ridiculously healthy that they’d start dividing and multiplying like amoebae.”
“The ideal government is one that is smaller than each and every one of its citizens, which is why I’m nominating this incubated preemie baby to be our President, cabinet, Senate, House, and Supreme Court. He’ll be morally superior to and cuter than Khruschchev.”
“For me to be tax-free is better than for me to be taxed—always. I don’t actually mean that it would be better to be free of the government authority that undergirds the economy, because without a government-protected economy, I’d be forced to fend for myself in a dystopian anarchy. I’m a feisty old bird, but still, I’d probably get eaten.”
“If we’re going to have single-payer health care, then what was even the point of the War of 1812?!”