It’s late at night and you’ve settled in to snuggle with your sweetie. She nuzzles you slightly and you give her a kiss on the head. She makes a cute and subtle reference. It’s very niche, having to do with something an animal character on an underseen early 90s kids show says. You totally get the reference. If fact, you think to yourself, you were just thinking that. You both chuckle to yourselves. You two totally get one another. Then your snuggly bear turns her big beautiful eyes to you and asks, “We’re the best couple aren’t we?”
You smile at her and say “Of course we are, my little aardvark, of course we are.” She sighs contentedly and drifts of into a quiet slumber. But you’re wide awake. Are we the best couple? you think to yourself. Ramone and Andy seem to be in a really good place. They riff off each other so well. Maybe they’re a better couple. Oh god, Tommy and Anne hosted that fantastic dinner party with that well chosen wine the other week. Are they a better couple than us?
You need to fix this, and you need to fix it now. There is absolutely nothing worse when you’re in a couple, than not being the best couple. You want your couple friends to look at you with complete envy at the brilliant and vibrant relationship you have. You want everyone to know how perfect for each other you are.
Leave them no doubt that your relationship will stand the test of time and taxes with a couple quick pointers.
The first and most important thing you can do is ensure both you and your partner are current with any references either of you might make. Does one of you have to watch the last couple episodes of Game of Thrones? Make sure this happens. Is someone lagging in their knowledge of British Political Satire? Rectify that pronto. Because it’s okay if you mention the Red Wedding and she asks if it went well in the privacy of your own bedroom, but if her text ringtone is Sonic the Hedgehog getting a ring and you have to ask, “What was that sound?” in public… you’re toast.
Develop a secret handshake. Make it subtle, you’re not bros who have just finished chugging a beer super hard. You are refined and civilized people who have inside jokes, specifically small hand gestures that climax in a handshake, high-five or ironic fist-bump. Another important thing to remember with the secret handshake is that it is secret. Don’t go flaunting you’re cute hand movements every time one of you receives a compliment. Do it when you think no one is watching, but you know at least one person is. This attempt at keeping things just between the two of you will be applauded by all your couple friends when done discretely.
Inescapably, you and your significant other will find yourself playing board games with other couples, most likely Pictionary. The important thing to remember in this game is not that you must win, but that you should lose. No one likes the couple that wins this game. No, winning is not the best way to play Pictionary, the best was to play Pictionary as a couple is to lose, and lose gracefully. If you’ve drawn a giraffe and all your boyfriend can guess is ‘fat LeBron James’, laugh this off as though it’s just one of those things you love about him. If your girlfriend has drawn a triangle with an arrow pointed to it and later shares that is was supposed to be oligarchy, be reminded of a totally hilarious story about the two of you and share it. Other couples will appreciate this levity, especially in light of the overly competitive couple (there always is one, and if you think there isn’t then it’s you).
Another excellent idea is to consistently sit apart in social situations. This is a small thing that you can do that will slowly engrain yourselves an independent individuals in a committed relationship. Other couples will easily pick out the couple that is so clingy they chew each others gum and always ask permission from their loved one to pee. They’ll say both of those people rely to much on one another, and no one wants to hear the “no you hang up first” conversation while you’re in the middle of the movie theatre.
While these four things will have you well on your way to becoming the Jay-Z and Beyonce of your group, there are a number of key things to avoid at all costs, lest you become the John and Yoko of those you know.
Never, ever use cutsie baby names with one another. This will immediately make everyone think you’re trying to hard and they’ll role their eyes at you and hope you break up just so they don’t have to hear the term “snuggly buggy boo” ever again.
Stay away from the classic “finishing each others sentences”. While it always seems to go over well in movies, all you’re doing is interrupting the flow of conversation. Interrupting your significant other will cause everyone to assume that there is an internal power struggle within the relationship. Soon, the topic of who wears the pants in your relationship will be the sole piece of gossip everyone is talking about.
Staying away from these faux pas, coupled with a little planning should catapult you into number one couple status. However, if you’re doing everything right, but somehow Greg and Karen are still the couple everyone thinks is the best, there is one more thing you can do. One last ditch effort to ensure you’ll be the best couple ever.
Other couples love it when couples that seem great move to Splitsville. It gives them the satisfaction of knowing they made it further than you. You’ll also be talked about for ages as the couple that could have been. “They seemed so happy” friends will reflect long afterwards. You’ll be the Nirvana of couples, assumed the best because we didn’t get to see what would have transpired if you were still together. This is a last ditch effort, but works every time.