I like movies as much as the next person. Sometimes, I’ll even go see a film at the cinemas. I enjoy being on the cusp of pop-culture, hashtagging along with everyone else. So when Transformers 4 comes out, you know I’ll be in line for the midnight showing. But sometimes, when I’m in the midst of Dallas Buyers Club and the #mcconaissance, there tends to be one of a few characters intent on disturbing my ability to enjoy Sharknado on the big screen.
1. Cell Phone Guy
The most common. Oh, I’m almost done this level of Candy Crush, it’ll only take me another hour to lose this level for the 10th time. Wait, I can’t get a signal. I should lift my phone into the air trying to get at least one bar so that I can send that tweet that says this movie will probably suck. Or Cell Phone Lady who holds the light of a million LED suns near her lap at a slightly tilted angle because that will help. It doesn’t.
2. The Baby
It’s 300: Rise of an Empire and the primetime showing. I get that it may be hard to find a sitter and for some reason you were really interested in see this sequel, but that doesn’t make it okay. Why is there a 3 year-old crying and yelling and screaming at his father. Don’t you understand that this is the kind of pre-cognitive conditioning that turns your kid into a psycho down the line? And why did you bring TWO OF THEM?
3. The Crinkler
No matter what, there is no need for all the crinkling. Just cause your M&Ms bag has M&Ms at the bottom of it, doesn’t mean you have to jump into it and swim around a couple laps before picking out the colour you like best. How can it possibly take you a whole minute to find the piece of popcorn you want to eat? Are the pieces at the top just not buttery enough for you? The pastor at your church must’ve hated you.
4. The Late Arrivals
How did you show up to this movie 20 minutes late, still decide you want to see it, and find the only two seat available, right in the middle of the row? Sure every single person in the row is knobby-knees and you struggle for 5 minutes whispering to each and every person you jostle past how sorry you are. This is the worst episode of mystery science theatre ever.
5. Backpack Guy
It’s the middle of summer but backpack guy–who smells like old cigarettes–still needs to pull out his winter coat and a pair of shoes from his backpack to get to a zipbag full of bits and bites he has hidden in there. The rest of your movie experience is flooded with the additional smell of cigarettes, musty shoes, bite and bites, and… crab? Where the hell did this guy get crab from?
6. Oh so Hilarious Dudebro and his Buddy Right Behind You
It starts during the commercials, he sarcastically remarks at the stupidity of a commercial meant for soccer moms. His pal laughs hysterically. During the trailers he answers the voice-overs rhetorical questions. Even your dad’s jokes aren’t this bad. When the Dad character makes an intentionally lame joke, Dudebro’s best material is to call out “Good one!” His Buddy is in stitches.
7. Packs of Teenagers
You have a bunch of friends, you’re all in grade 9 and you decide to see a movie. Oh , you don’t know what order to sit in because Jimmy likes Sally but Sally is a slut that wants to sit on Gorge’s face and Gorge just wants to get to know Scott a little bit better. Everything is so fucking funny, and it’s only the pre-show! Every last one of you gets up at least 3 times over the course of the movie. During the love scene you all snicker like you’ve never experienced something like this before, which is ridiculous given what just went on between Scott and Sally in the bathroom.
8. Talking to the Movie like It Can Hear You Girl
If a girl who just got out of the shower or a black guy is walking backwards in a dimly lit area on screen during a horror movie, yelling at them to stop and turn around will NEVER work. Crying out pleas for the guy to just tell the girl that what he’s trying to say is that he loves her less than 30 minutes into a rom-com, will ALWAYS go unheralded. Exclaiming to the bad guy as he smiles villainously that you think he’s a jerk, WILL NOT make him rethink his actions thus far in his movie life.
9. The Single Individual
Sitting by yourself, alone and composed. Not saying anything, not eating anything with undeserved vigor. You’re interested in seeing this film even if others would not see it with you meaning you remain quiet for the film and turn off your cell phone when the pre-show prompts you to. You do not have a baby, and though you may have a backpack with you, you use it only to pull out a book to read before the lights dim… BUT WHAT ARE YOUR MOTIVES?
No, not you!? Sure you have popcorn, but you can’t help but make some noise. If the theatre didn’t want crinkling sounds, they should make the popcorn bag out of cotton. And you’re expecting a call, so if you do get it, you’ll totally be respectful and leave and your jokes really are funny so you’re just whispering them to your group of friends, who totally aren’t teenagers so it’s okay that all of you showed up a little late.
It’s not like you haven’t seen this one before.