The Complete Guide For Traveling In New England

By Jason Thompson

New England is one of the oldest and most unique areas in our nation’s history. If one wishes to travel to the land up north by northeast, here are some travel tips state by state:

Maine

Impress the locals by lying to them that there is more to Maine than the cheap, cheap, delicious lobster.

Say the word “schooner” in as many conversations as possible. Don’t be discouraged if the word does not apply to the situation at hand

Pull a Henry David Thoreau and live a simple life for a bit surrounded by the natural beauty that Maine has to offer. If that seems a trite daunting or unpleasant, well then good sir, get the fuck out of Maine. We don’t want your kind.

Engage in some “Maine Justice” and celebrate with the traditional Maine food of crawfish étouffée.

New Hampshire

Try to find the real shire in New Hampshire in order to warn Gandalf that Frodo does indeed possess the one ring.

Make sure to confuse the capitol Concord with the Concord in Massachusetts, where the American Revolution started. The locals will be impressed that you are in the ballpark with your knowledge of American History.

Robert Frost was a famous New Hampshirite. Read something he wrote. Now read something else, but by a different author. Compare the two works in a three page essay and email it to me by tomorrow night.

Massachusetts

Test out the legendary friendliness of Bostonians by proudly wearing a New York Yankees cap. You’ll be the bell of the ball for that day.

If you say Chowder instead of “chowda”, so help me god, I will kill you and your family.

Make sure to visit during the autumn to see the beautiful foliage that Massachusetts has to offer. Pay no attention to the screams of the dying leaves around you.

Talk in a Kennedy accent and see how long it takes before you are elected to a congressional seat.

Rhode Island

Head over to Massachusetts or Connecticut, they are so close.

Make Rhode Islanders feel better by saying it is bigger than Monaco and houses less pedophiles than the Vatican.

Take a trip to visit Brown University to see where Emma Watson went to school. On a side note, she’s just super cool.

Vermont

Brag to as many locals as possible about how your friend used to have a summer house here and how it was awesome.

To gain the approval of the locals, don’t just eat maple syrup, but shower in it. And do it real slow. They like it real slow.

Go skiing or at least learn to tolerate snow. It’s going to snow here and you’ll just have to accept it.

Connecticut

Visit Mark Twain’s house because you want to, not because you should.

Now I know it’s close, but resist the urge to drive from Connecticut into nearby Providence, Rhode Island.

Remind everybody from Connecticut that George Bush was born here. Feel superior for a bit while they chew on that one.

Coming Soon – Other areas of the United States