George Washington – According to Slater, he would come home and Martha had a big, fat bowl waiting for him. “She was a hip, hip, hip lady, man”.
John Adams – Lost in his famous letters with his wife Abigail are the original lyrics to the song “Fernando” by Abba, complete with musical instructions for some instruments that had not been invented yet.
Thomas Jefferson – Was known by the nickname “TJ Jiff Jaff”.
James Madison – Was actually part sheep and accounted for why he married a woman named Dolly.
James Monroe – His dying wish was that people knew more about him other than the fact that there was a doctrine named after him. He died an unfulfilled man.
John Quincy Adams – Fought tirelessly to end the gag order in the senate and replace it with some light bondage.
Andrew Jackson – Set a precedent for being the first everyman president and also the first clinically insane president.
Martin Van Buren – Popularized using “van” as a connector of insults.
William Henry Harrison – The first President to think he was stronger than nature. Nature, of course had the last word on him.
John Tyler – On being told that William H. Harrison had died and he had assumed the presidency remarked, “Well that was a freebie.”
James K. Polk – Fulfilled his farewell promise of “staying out of the public eye after office” by dying three months after his term had ended.
Zachary Taylor – In his inaugural speech exclaimed, “I’ll do my best even if it kills me”. History proved him right on the death part.
Millard Fillmore – The most forgettable president to ever serve these United States.
Franklin Pierce – The only Speaker of the House to win the presidency. Because of his legacy as President, the American public has never allowed another Speaker to even consider a serious run.
James Buchanan – Was fluent in Latin, French, Japanese, and Spanish, but could not speak any English. This accounted for much confusion during this era.
Abraham Lincoln – His number sixteen was retired and sent to the Presidential Hall of Fame without having to wait the required five year minimum after retirement.
Andrew Johnson – Upon hearing of Lincoln’s assassination quipped “I feel bad for the guy that’s gotta take over that mess… oh wait”.
Ulysses S. Grant – Hated the characterization that his life was forty years of failure, four years of success, and then twenty years of more failure. He thought it was unfair to be called a failure while he slept and amended the characterization to twenty-eight years of failure, three years of success, and fourteen years of failure, mixed with nineteen years of neutrality.
Rutherford B. Hayes – Threw his name into the race against Samuel Tilden as a lark and then when found out he had won the election, just stared off into the distance while the words “hello darkness my old friend…” lingered around in the back of his mind.
James A. Garfield – Fulfilled his campaign promise of serving longer than William H. Harrison, but shorter than Zachary Taylor
Chester A. Arthur – Wore his famous muttonchops not for himself, but for the ladies.
Grover Cleveland – see number 24 – Grover Cleveland
Benjamin Harrison – Was not able to live up to the legacy his Grandfather, William Henry Harrison, achieved in only one month of office.
Grover Cleveland – see number 22 – Grover Cleveland
William McKinley – Ran his first term based on the model set by Abraham Lincoln. Unfortunately, he also decided to run his second term based on Lincoln’s model.
Theodore Roosevelt – Famously said he was as fit as a bull moose. To prove his point he wrestled a bull and a moose to the death, while their offspring watched in horror.
William H. Taft – Was replaced by a walrus for three weeks in office. The only people who noticed were the white house cooking staff due to there being more baby seal leftovers than usual.
Woodrow Wilson – The first of our famed “alliterative” presidents.
Warren G. Harding – Faked his own death to live out his real dream of running moonshine in the pale moonlight.
Calvin Coolidge – The only time the nickname “Silent Cal” didn’t apply to Mr. Coolidge was when anything Jewish came up. Then everybody wished he had remembered his famed nickname.
Herbert Hoover – Winner of the “wrong place, wrong time, wrong ideas” award.
Franklin D. Roosevelt – Hated the office of the presidency and only served four terms because he didn’t want to ruin the good thing he had going.
Harry S. Truman – The first order of his second term was to destroy the lives of everybody behind the Chicago Tribunes’ “Dewey Defeats Truman” headline.
Dwight D. Eisenhower – Never lived down his military nickname of “Double D’s”.’
John F. Kennedy – Early in his presidency, he told the press to call him John not “Mr. President”. This began an intense affair between Kennedy and the press.
Lyndon B. Johnson – Was a master of manipulating Congress through his notorious three card monty games.
Richard Nixon – Discovered the connection between Dark Side of the Moon and the Wizard of Oz and erased eighteen minutes worth of tape to protect the secrets it unlocked.
Gerald Ford – Saw a young Chevy Chase trip and fall and started to uncontrollably laugh at the young man. Hurt by the incident, Chevy Chase would vigilantly wait for the day to exact the appropriate vengeance.
Jimmy Carter – Favorite Bob Dylan song is “It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding). He used to act out the line “even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked” quite frequently in office.
Ronald Reagan – Was a big fan of the 1979 cult classic, The Warriors. He even ended his famous speech at the Berlin Wall by yelling “Can you dig it”.
George H.W. Bush – Is quite relieved that his presidency is not known as the worst Bush Presidency.
Bill Clinton – The only president, who when advised to make love to the camera, actually proceeded to do so.
George W. Bush – TBS is required to show him at least five times every half inning during a Rangers game if he is sitting next to Nolan Ryan.
Barack Obama – The first president to be called for an impeachment hearing before he took office.