1. Sexiness is all about the nuance of your being. Sexiness is the way you move your tongue while we’re talking to you, the curve of your foot, or the way you perk up when a song that you like comes on the radio. The small details add up, and that’s what makes us fall in love with you.
2. We’re more than happy to be played by women. You could be the evilest bitch in the world and have the worst intentions for the relationship, and we would willingly turn a blind eye if you were playing us right. We get addicted to losing ourselves in your sexuality even if it ends in disaster. Case in point: Strippers. Cue Kanye West singing, regretfully: “See, I could have me a good girl. And still be addicted to them hoodrats.”
3. Tightness and hotness are great…at first. But once the novelty wears off, they don’t make for great sex. We need a lot of different factors to come together to have a truly perfect sexual experience, and most of the time these things have very little to do with how you look or how your body feels. It’s more about the setting and who you are.
4. Sometimes—no matter how much feminist literature we have read—we still feel the need to objectify you. Listen, there is something so beautiful about women that we have a hard time comprehending that you exist in the same universe as we do. Look, of course, we understand on an intellectual and day-to-day level that we’re exactly the same. But in the rapture of sex—the way you move your body, the majesty of your bones, skin, and curves—we elevate you to goddesses. And the halo of this experience hangs for a long time, which is why we sometimes feel the need to objectify you. This can even happen to us when we see a woman walking down the street; she looks so beautiful we can’t fathom how she might be human like us. It’s not necessarily right but that’s why these are brutal truths.
5. Almost all men share a desire for young women. This is taboo, but if you look at any online dating site men are searching for younger women, and there is something that we can’t resist in a woman who just turned 21: the way gravity still hasn’t pushed her down yet and how she could make us feel young again. This doesn’t mean we don’t love old woman as well, only that the more natural and universal impulse is towards youth.
6. If you want to have sex with us, 99.9% of the time we want to have sex with you, too. The fact that a woman finds us attractive is enough to make us find her attractive, however superficially. It might take one night or three years, but if you’re attracted to us we will eventually fuck you.
7. We want you to worship our penis. One of the sexiest things a woman can do is make her eyes light up before she sucks your dick. Primordially our dicks are our manhood and if you can’t even pretend you’re excited by it, then we aren’t going to be that much into the sex. Penis worship in any form whether verbal or physical is like Viagra to us.
8. We have a lot of sick thoughts. All men watch porn, and the guys that don’t watch it are normally fucking anything that moves every night at a bar. We think about doing the most twisted things to you and from time to time we’re even surprised by just how depraved we are. We are obsessed and possessed by feminine sexuality.
9. We care if you orgasm… Because we’re insecure babies… It’s safe to say most guys care about making a woman orgasm because we earnestly feel like a man if we can get you off. Your pleasure is more about our ego than…well…your pleasure. It’s a power trip.
What do you think? Does this add up to your experience? Am I completely off the rocker? Share your thoughts on Facebook or the comments. I’m genuinely curious to know if these feelings are universal or just particular to my circle of friends.