1. Always pay on the first date.
You’re on a date here, not splitting 2 for 1s at happy hour with your buddy. You want to impress the girl — and if you don’t, you shouldn’t be on a date in the first place. That’s what hanging out is for. You can go dutch on other dates if you want to, but this is how you say “I care about making a good impression” when you’re first meeting a girl.
2. Always have more in the fridge than just beer.
You should be more evolved than a caveman (and hey, even they had meat lying around). Buy stuff that doesn’t come in a box as often as possible. Eat a piece of fruit every now and then. It’s really not that difficult.
3. Never go full drunk ass.
If you get so shitfaced your buddies have to tell you what you did the night before, fine, that’s what life is for, but don’t be that guy every weekend. They might not say it to your face, but everyone secretly resents having to babysit the guy who got to drunk when they’re trying to have fun.
4. Always treat women with respect.
Don’t be the shithead that makes dog noises out the window of my vehicle when you see a hot girl walk by (true story). It makes both of us look bad. It gets more difficult as we get into romantic settings, but in general, try to treat women how you would be okay with another guy treating your sister.
5. Never wear socks with sandals.
Either man up and wear sandals with your man feet proudly on display, or stick to sneakers.
6. Respect your bros.
If you’re ever in a situation where you see one of your friends crying, pretend you didn’t notice and leave the room and give him some space. Never bring it up again.
7. Never forget that you’re supposed to be living your life instead of watching it.
I had a roommate in college that was obsessed with Halo. Sure, he kicked my ass whenever I played but do you know what I was doing while he was mastering that game? Having a life. Meeting women. Earning a degree. A good rule of thumb is to go outside and actually do something for every few hours you spend on your ass.
8. Always carry jumper cables in your car.
You should also know how to use them. This is so that you never find yourself stranded anywhere, but also so you can jump other people’s cars if you need to. It sounds like a hassle but try it some time, people go nuts over it. It’ll feel good.
9. Never obsess about a text message.
Turn your phone off and go hang out with your friends. Get some perspective. Be the guy who doesn’t have time to worry about something as small and insignificant as a text message.
10. Always be a little bit afraid of the future.
Don’t play it safe. Don’t be a guy who’s scared to take risks and make big goals. Always be a little bit afraid of where you want to be — and then work your ass of to get there. And then do it again.
11. Never fucking ask a girl if you can kiss her.
Women hate this. Men should hate it too. Take the risk, or go home empty handed. Just don’t fucking ask.
12. Never gossip at work.
You don’t want to be part of the gossip mill, you want to be above the gossip mill. When people try to gossip with you change the conversation. They’ll eventually get the hint.
13. Never stick your dick in crazy.
I’m sorry, but this is worth repeating. If a girl seems nuts or is otherwise someone you worry about being attached to or hearing from in the future, don’t have sex with her. Condoms don’t work all the time, so imagine having to raise a kid with her and decide whether it’s worth the risk.
14. Always tip at least 20%.
Sometimes people look at your bill, you don’t want to come off like an asshole. Just move the decimal one place to the left and then double it. Also, you don’t have to fill in the tip slot on the receipt, just write the total amount at the bottom.
15. Always remember when in mixed company never talk about religion, politics, or women.
Sure you may win an argument, but you’ll come off like an asshole and probably offend a bunch of other people who will never say anything about it. It’s not worth it.
16. Never get into a fight over email.
If an asshole at work sends you a shitty passive aggressive email just remember that they are an asshole who sends passive aggressive emails and be happy you aren’t that guy. Respond as if you didn’t notice.
17. Never say anything negative about a woman’s body.
Never. Not even as a joke. Not even if she said it first. Just don’t go there. You’ll thank me later.