Chicago, IL — Standing in line for lunch, 5th grader Lucas Mehling confided to reporters that space is “totally too big,” and that “there’s no air in space for anything to survive.” He found himself mentally incapable of comprehending the size of space. “There’s no way anything can live there. Not even molecules!” Mehling said confidently. “It’s totally fake and gay. I bet Obama made all this up,” he said. When asked how, Mehling shrugged. “I don’t know, my parents say that all the time.” He continued to question the validity of space. “Stars are lights reflected from our planet into the atmosphere. You know what, I’m going to be a scientist and prove space doesn’t exist.” He refused to be led into believing that astronomers study space. “Astor-no-nomers study asstry, and that’s the study of butts. I win.” Mehling flashed one of his trademark smirks. His bewilderment of outer space came to a halt when he found out they were serving chicken fingers for lunch.