Why Online Dating Sucks

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I’m 25 and single; I didn’t meet my significant other in college and all of my friends and co-workers are taken, married, or straight. Whenever I tell someone this, they always suggest I try online dating. Easier said than done. I’ve tried online dating multiple times and I’m still incredibly, terribly, incurably single.

Here’s the problem: you waste all of your time sharing intimate details about your personal life getting attached to the idea of someone before ever meeting. Then, when it inevitably doesn’t work out, you’re crushed by somebody you’ve never spent anytime with. Here’s a brief overview of my online dating disasters.

My first attempt at online dating was Grindr, a gay app that tells you within feet exactly how close you are to other gays. Creepy? Definitely. Convenient? Oh, yeah. After spending a few weeks ignoring invitations for group play and bathroom stall hookups, I finally chatted with a nice guy from Pittsburgh. To save face, we’ll call him Grindr.

Grindr and I really hit it off, meaning he wanted to do more than just send me pictures of his downstairs. We exchanged numbers and he quickly became my go-to texting guy. We texted every day for about two weeks, and shared details about our families, work life, schooling, dreams, blah, blah, blah. Sharing so many private details with a complete stranger felt a little weird, but I was looking for love so what’s a boy to do? After about two weeks, we decided it was time for human contact. Luckily we only lived like 1235 feet away, so meeting up would be a breeze.

Our first date was at a Starbucks and Grindr was even more beautiful in person. He was tall, buff, Italian, and had beautiful flowing locks. Ding, ding, ding, WINNER. Not only did his body excite me in all of the right places, but, the conversation was great. There was no need for awkward introductions, or “what do you do for a living?” I already knew all of those things along with the names of his sister and cat. We talked about our week, where we get our hair cut, and other things that didn’t really matter. I was on a date that for once wasn’t completely horrible. Was this the feeling you get when you fall in love? I assumed yes, so in my head I planned out when we’d move in together (ten months to a year), we’d probably have two kids, but not until after we traveled the world and bought a condo in Palm Springs. I must have been dreaming, because this was the kind of love I’d only heard about in Taylor Swift songs. This was a once in a lifetime feeling. And although I’d only been on one date we’d texted so much over the past few weeks that I was confident this was going somewhere.

Our digital conversations continued for another week or two, spilling even more about our personal lives. Our second date was at a comedy show. I picked him up for the show and we snuck in a bottle of red wine. The night couldn’t have gone better. I was going to ask him to go out for drinks after the show, but I didn’t want to look too available, so I dropped him off at his apartment. We talked in the car for a little bit, and when I thought he was going to move in for a kiss, he went for the hug.

NOT. GOOD.

That’s where it ended. We texted for about a week after the fact and then any time I suggested we hang out, he would either be “busy” or not respond. And trust me, no matter how much of a crazy girl lives inside of me, I can take a hint. Was it weird that I was genuinely upset about a guy I had only actually spent about 5 hours with? I felt insane. He knew everything about me, I knew loads about him and I had only met him twice.

Grindr wasn’t my only online disaster; I spent months on OK Cupid pouring my gay little heart out to anyone who would listen. All this got me was a date so scary that I could write a book. So, I moved on to a new dating site called Coffee Meets Bagel.

Coffee Meets Bagel is an interesting concept, you (the Coffee) connect through your Facebook page and each day at noon you get one match (the Bagel). You have twenty-four hours to both mutually “like” the other, and if you do, you can text through a ghost number. The number is only active for a week, so if you don’t exchange your contact information in that amount of time, you’re out of luck. Simple and stress free.

It took about two weeks for anyone to like me back, but my first Bagel was well worth the wait. He was cute, witty, and worked for a large PR agency. Success turns me on. We exchanged real numbers way before our week expired and poured our hearts out to each other, again OVERSHARING. If you can sense chemistry through text, I’d say we were overflowing with it. We met up for drinks a few days later and stayed at the bar for almost three hours talking about anything and everything. As soon as I got home, my Bagel texted me that he had a lot of fun and wanted to do it again. Cue the wedding bells and on goes another Taylor Swift album, the wait for love was finally over. After getting my heart broken over Grindr, I promised myself I wouldn’t fall so hard again, but when you feel the way that Bagel made me feel, there’s absolutely no turning back.

For our second date we decided to play mini golf. On paper this was a good idea, but two gays playing mini golf is laughable. A game that should have taken less than twenty minutes extended to an hour. But that didn’t stop us from having a great time. Afterwards, we went to dinner, split a burger (a veggie burger, I do live in LA) and shared stories about growing up. This time when we got home I waited until the next day to text him. He responded right away and our conversation continued for a few days after until it just… stopped. Another match made in online heaven bites the dust. And I’m not lying when I say I was really upset.

Was I the problem? Not necessarily. Is the system flawed? Definitely. Obsessing over a text message is a little crazy, but when you’re in an online relationship, that’s really all you have. Are you allowed to feel heartbroken if you’ve only met someone in person twice? After all, two dates could take place over the course of a month and a half if you’re busy. You spend all of your time getting to know someone, overanalyzing your texts and find out there was nothing really there. Regardless, I’m still single, but I just downloaded Tinder, so, you know. Never say never.