I’ve been having a rough relationship with my best friend for the past month. I guess it isn’t rough in the sense that most people would use it, but it’s rough enough that sometimes I calculate how many times I’ve called her this week to make sure I haven’t exceeded her interest level because I know that once I hit there, she won’t pick up any more.
Most people that I tell this to automatically tell me to pull out of this relationship because it isn’t one that’s going anywhere good. I find that despite what everyone tells me, I stick through with it because I love her. Because I love her. Because it doesn’t matter what other people think if I know that I love her.
This is all true, and I still stand by that. Which is why I was fairly surprised when she picked up today even though it was the second time I called this week. That’s a lot better than usual. But then I remembered that picking up isn’t everything. Picking up and not being there is almost just as worthless as not picking up at all. I remembered this because I wanted to tell her about this boy who I had fallen in love with throughout the past month but was met with a “hey, my friends are coming I’ll call you back.”
I’ve heard these lines far too often to let them bother me. If I had a cliche for every time I heard that phrase, most people would probably find me pretty irritating.
I just want to hit pause there. I’ve realized that perhaps a main reason I cherish the friendships that I do have is because I want to be able to share my happiness and my successes with my friends. There is this one popular quote that says that you can have all the money in the world, but if you have no one to share your wealth or your happiness with, you won’t be happy. I find that these words ring more true than ever.
When I finished compiling my writing portfolio from my first writing class, the first thing I wanted to do was share it with the people that I cared about the most. My immediate thought was to send it to my best friend before I realized that she could care less and wouldn’t even read it. But maybe that’s just because it was too long right? She reads things when I tell her to read them. This one was probably just too long. But I sent it off to a number of other friends who actually read them and took the time to give me very helpful constructive feedback.
Is that normal for a best friendship? To want to share your happiness but then to second guess yourself? This has been happening a lot to me lately. I want to share my little work triumphs and tell her about the things that make me smile, but I can’t even seem to muster the energy to text her about the little things that make me smile.
This realization made me more profoundly sad than anything else. The happiness I felt from the phone call I got earlier means nothing when I can’t share that joy with someone. How strange–to allow my happiness to be hinged upon my ability to share this information with others. I don’t know. I can’t tell you how empty and sad I felt when my best friend hung up on me right before I wanted to tell her about something that had made my last month.
It is always hard realizing that you’ve been compromising and lying to yourself to keep up an illusion. You will make these realizations and then convince yourself that you were wrong. But no, you were right. These lies won’t cut it. Stop wasting time making excuses for people who could care less, and share your happiness with those who can’t wait for you to burst into a happy ball of sunshine.