To The Son I Lost

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Carlo Navarro / Unsplash

You’d be 11 now, about to turn 12.

I’m sure that you would still be the most beautiful boy I’d know. Sweet, like me. Tall, like him. You’d keep your almond eyes and hot chocolate skin and your smile…God, your smile, would brighten up the darkest night I couldn’t sleep through.

You were everything I could ever hope for. Even as a baby you were smart, observant, curious. You were sitting up by the time you were five weeks old. The pride in your face was obvious. So was the pride in mine.

I didn’t realize you’d be gone a week later.

You slipped away from me like a balloon I couldn’t catch. Like satin in my hand. You were limp in my arms. Heavy. Empty. I prayed for it not to be true. I couldn’t lose the only boy who never hurt me. I couldn’t lose the love of my life…the reason I’d breathed. But you were gone…the doctor came in and told me and everything after that comes to me in flashbacks. Me calling your dad in Iraq. Him throwing the phone and screaming in the background. The detectives coming to talk to me. My uncle cursing God.

They said it was SIDS. There’s no explanation as to why you left me so suddenly like a shadow when the clouds roll in. I buried a piece of me in the ground and I cannot get it back. My soul has a hole that remains gaping open. A scar that won’t heal. A part of me that will remain missing until I’m with you again. I’m convinced you were sent to me for a purpose and although I am not quite sure what your purpose was, you fulfilled it and was called back to God.

Your sisters know your name. You are their baby brother even though you came first. They miss you without knowing you…they know the energy that radiates from my soul where that wound resides. All of the possibilities of who you are and what you’d be are endless. What I know is that you would have been here, and that’s all that would have mattered.

Now you’re the lone star that stays by the side of the moon, bright and unwavering. You are the cool breeze on a warm day. You are in the space where my deepest breath can reside and you are peace when I shut my eyes. Your love was quiet, but I still feel it to this day.

You would have been 12 this year. But you’ll always be my baby. TC mark

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