This entire time I whole-heartedly believed that you would be the person I ended up with. It only took me to lose you, get you back, lose you again, be with someone else and then lose him to realize…damn, I was so fucking wrong. I loved you. I loved you so much. I loved you too much. I had too much love for you to ever know what to do with. I always told myself that it was just bad timing. That you just needed time to grow up.
Or that you just needed to know what it felt like to lose me, in order to appreciate me when the time was finally right. I finally realized none of that was true. You will never be able to love properly because you don’t even know how to accept love. You have never really been shown any type of love and for that, I am so sorry. Our first break-up made me realize a lot.
Although I was sad & heartbroken, I realized the type of person I am. I realized my worth. I realized how kind-hearted and selfless I could really be. I realized how my love could positively affect someone. And I also realized I deserve all of that in return. Even through my realizations, I still believed it would be you. Even when I finally dated someone else, I still believed it would be you.
This someone else was so different than you. He was in the process of getting his shit together, but nonetheless he taught me a lot. He showed me how I should be treated. He showed me how simple it was to make a person happy, just by the little things. He showed me that I was worthy of what I thought I deserved. The sad part of this is I didn’t realize any of this until it was too late.
Losing him made me realize you weren’t the person I wanted to be with at all. I could easily be with you now if I wished; however I would never be truly happy. I refuse to be with someone who isn’t absolutely passionate and obsessed with me. I refuse to be with someone who doesn’t value my worth. I refuse to be with someone who doesn’t do things out of the kindness of his heart.
And I’ll be damned, if I allow myself to be with someone who doesn’t put me first. I truly have no idea what is going to happen next. All I can do is focus on myself and allow the love I deserve to come my way, when the time was right…. whoever it may be from.