86 Things I Learned In College
1. How to play flipcup
2. How to break into an abandoned building
3. How to get down from a four-story building without a fire escape
4. How to bluff my way into bars without an ID
5. How to get the bartender to totally forget I have a cash tab
6. How to get other patrons to pick up my tab without at all infringing upon my own sexual integrity
7. That just because someone is way out of your league and — logically speaking — should never find you attractive, doesn’t mean they aren’t fair game. Everyone is fair game, if you know what you’re doing
8. Being yourself as hard as you can is the easiest way to make most people like you
9. Knowing your limits is not being a pussy
10. Obeying your limits does not necessarily make you smart
11. Just because you’re in the company of people you know you can trust does not mean that going shot-for-shot on tequila with four frat boys is a good idea
12. Everybody pukes once in a while
13. Cleaning up after yourself excuses nothing but does make forgiveness more likely
14. When you don’t know where your pants are, it is best to let them go. Now is a good time to learn about loss
15. The less you want to ask questions, the more important those questions are
16. If someone ever asks your permission to sleep with the man that you love, tell them no
17. They’re going to do it anyway
18. They probably have already
19. Loyalty is important
20. When you get down to it though, very few people are loyal
21. This does not negate the truth of #19
22. But not everyone deserves yours
23. Keep an eye out at all times
24. Not everyone you meet at a party is going to be your best friend
25. People like to say nice things
26. Don’t throw anyone out of a window just because they deserve it
27. There are very few good reasons to ever really hurt someone, and weirdly enough, those are the times you are probably going to want to the least
28. After you’ve punched or been punched by someone in the face, it is best to let bygones be bygones
29. Hitting someone with a beer bottle does not solve every problem
30. Being able to end a friendship so utterly and completely that you’ll never be able to get it back even after the dispute is resolved is a skill very few people have and one no one should ever hope to acquire
31. Hanging on to a friendship is not always the best idea either
32. People grow apart
33. People leave
34. It is okay for you to leave too, sometimes
35. It is okay to miss someone
36. It is okay for you to tell them that, sometimes
37. They are not obligated to care
38. Being sorry usually means more to you than the other person
39. Be honest
40. Life goes on
41. Sometimes it is best to keep your mouth shut
42. Staying with someone you do not want to be with is insanely unfair to everyone involved
43. We all make fucking mistakes
44. Nostalgia is only good in small doses
45. When you know you shouldn’t fall in love with someone, you’re almost certainly going to
46. If you know it’s going to end badly, it usually is
47. The most amazing person you’ve ever met is not as amazing as you think they are
48. Guarding your heart is okay sometimes
49. If it’s worth it, if you have more to gain than to lose, it makes no sense not to go for it
50. Not everything works out just because you want it to
51. By definition, every relationship fails except for the one that works out
52. Sometimes people you really love end up hating you
53. There will be others
54. Sometimes after a crisis, you will find that a huge part of your soul has gone missing. Don’t worry about it too much. You’ll get it back
55. Gravitation is responsible for lots of crazy shit
56. Sleep isn’t as important as people say it is as long as you’re doing something good
57. When you get alcohol poisoning so bad you can’t lie on your back or on your left side without excruciating pain and nausea, it is time to reconsider your life
58. Being able to list the times you’ve gotten alcohol poisoning is another sign you should give it all a bit of thought. List making could help
59. If you really need it, take the fucking medication
60. Killing yourself, if nothing else, means that you won’t be able to get any writing done
61. Sometimes grief takes a really really long time
62. It is possible to take advantage of your friends’ kindness. While they might be willing to do it forever, remember that it is no one’s responsibility to clean you up. People get tired
63. Relationships begun in a period of mourning can be fun, helpful, tender, beautiful, and very meaningful, as well as short-lived and totally illogical
64. This doesn’t mean they weren’t real
65. It is important to forgive the people who have hurt you
66. It is important to move on
67. Spite doesn’t make you feel any better, and most of the time it doesn’t even hurt the person you want it to
68. Grief drinking doesn’t work
69. Drinking, in general, doesn’t make anything fun that would otherwise be boring and stupid
70. When you finally decide to tell him how you feel in the form of a poem or a story that you will perform at a reading series he frequents and then he doesn’t show up, don’t call your audience “a bag of fuckheads” because you’re hurt and angry. They are not there, being people who aren’t him, just to spite you, no matter how much it might seem that way
71. Don’t let anyone take a picture of you pretending to blow a marble statue of St. Ignatius
72. Getting jaded is a part of growing up that people have been writing about for centuries. Sometimes you are going to like things that aren’t good, love people who don’t deserve it and squander it, but rather than burying it, rather than saying that it was stupid, you should want everything to meet that level of passion. You should want to make happy the person that you were before everything got gnarled up inside. There’s still magic, and you deserve to have it
73. You can outgrow anything
74. Youth fades. Don’t waste it on stupid shit
75. Flipcup is fucking stupid
76. With enough time and experience, you will fall out of love with almost everyone you loved before
77. Almost
78. So far
79. The city is beautiful at night
80. The city is beautiful in the morning
81. The lake, at night, is gorgeous
82. You will continue to make mistakes for the rest of your life
83. If you can keep up with yourself, they won’t be the same ones
84. Now breathe
85. It is okay
86. Everything is fucking okay