I’m Not The Girl You Fall In Love With

Flickr / Chiara Cremaschi
Flickr / Chiara Cremaschi

I know I’m not the girl you fall in love with because I build up a lot of walls. Those walls were built to protect me because I’ve been hurt too many times before. And God knows how much it hurt and I don’t ever want to feel the same way again. I burn bridges instead of build them. I would rather stay in my own island than leave to venture into the unknown. And I’m afraid — I’m afraid to get lost because I might no longer find myself again.

I’m not the girl you fall in love with.

You will never see me cry. I keep my head up and I will walk past you like I don’t recognize your eyes. And time will come that I will learn not to give a damn. And when I do, I will look straight into your eyes and tell you that you no longer matter to me. I will tell you, and you will believe it. Even if I’m still trying to convince myself the same thing. That you don’t matter to me and you will never matter to me.

I’m not the girl you fall in love with.

I will push you away until you grow tired of trying. Everybody does. And I will never stop because I think its better you leave now than later. When I have already fallen in love with you.

I’m not the girl you fall in love with.

I’m going to leave you. You will only hear silence as a goodbye and you can never convince me to stay. You will always feel like I took away something from you. Then you’ll try so hard to take it back. I will walk away so easily, as easy as how I said my first hello. But you will never understand. Because you never knew that I’ve been left too many times before. And maybe this time, I want to be the first one to leave.

I’m not the girl you fall in love with.

You will never love me when you see me crying at 3AM
You will never see the scars etched on my skin
You will never count them and kiss them
You will never hear me talk about my favorite book
Or hear me sing my favorite song
You will never see me dance under the rain
Or read the poem that I wrote
Because those three words taste like poison in my mouth
And every kiss will burn my lips

You see,

I will never be the girl you fall in love with

Because I’m terrified —

I’m terrified like hell.

Because I’m the kind of girl who’s scared to love
but every part of me aches to love 
and be loved in return. TC mark

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