Depression Loved Me So Much My Entire World Shattered
I never knew what depression was until I started to feel sad and I couldn’t place my finger on
why
the sadness caved in on me
scraping my soul out with an ice cream covered spoon
doctors sat in front of me and asked questions like
‘have you ever thought about suicide?’
what was I supposed to tell them?
that in that moment
I was racking my brain
with ways
I could end it later
they told me I was clinically depressed
I told them I never needed pills
to tell me how to feel
I told them that
if I wanted to take my own life
they didn’t
have a say in the matter
they told me ways
I could try to keep this demon
at bay
but it never wanted to leave
it took refuge in my mind
it was like an uninvited house guest
that moved in
and no matter how many times you told them to leave
they wouldn’t
so, I named her Valerie
and Valerie moved the furniture around inside my head
she threw paintings off the walls, smashed the plates
and cut the telephone wire
as she began to make room for herself
“It’s going to be a long few years,” I imagine her saying as she sits back on my porch, on my chair, with a peach ice tea in her hand, settling in for the world war three she was about to wage on me.
Valerie is a real bitch.
but she loved me so much that my entire world shattered
Valerie sends me to war every night at around 3 a.m.
the battleground becomes so loud
I block my ears with my fingers
but I can still hear the click of a loaded gun
I hold my heart like a gunshot wound
that won’t stop bleeding
I watch as the people I once love
become casualties
nothing more
but collateral damage
they told me If I gave her a name that she would
have less control, less power over me
but most nights I lie awake waiting
for Valerie to slide the key into the lock
and sneak into my bed, to come keep me company
I’ve even cleared out half my wardrobe for her things
she is exactly like poison ivy
you let in and then you’re fucked
so, I let her have the whole wardrobe and I watch
as she often carts in things from ex boyfriends
photos, CD’s, even a few t-shirts I swore I threw out
while Valerie builds the museum of hurt in my room
I am in the kitchen, trying to eat something that
won’t make me fat I fail every time
so, I call Valerie in and she tells me to miss this meal
and I say okay
I have become dependent with my own demon
what a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome
right?
and then after years of wishing away the devil
Valerie stopped coming around when I no longer rolled back over as she shut the curtains, blocking the light out
she stopped coming around when I got up every day and started showering
she stopped coming when I started to learn how to take care of myself
and just like that
she disappeared
after years of wishing away the devil
she was gone
though, it isn’t all happy endings
Valerie still comes around every so often
she leaves mementoes around my home
an earring, a pair of shoes, the dress she wore to my graduation
her toothbrush sits next to mine in the holder in my bathroom
But this time
when she comes, I tell her that she cannot use
my toothpaste anymore
this time, I tell her to buy her own goddamn ice tea
and to take her things out of my wardrobe
and she listens
she searches
and she knows
that she no longer has me in her clutches
and for the first time
she is the scared one
and I am the one who holds the cards
all 52 of them
and now it’s my turn to be the powerful one
she will always leave something behind
maybe nestled in-between the couch
or discarded behind my bookshelf
she’ll leave something
just
to let me know that she
still has a one-way ticket
inside my mind