Depression Loved Me So Much My Entire World Shattered

Trigger warning: this article contains sensitive content involving suicidal ideation.
sad woman
God & Man

I never knew what depression was until                                                    I started to feel sad and I couldn’t place my finger on

why

the sadness caved in on me

scraping my soul out with an ice cream covered spoon

doctors sat in front of me and asked questions like

‘have you ever thought about suicide?’

what was I supposed to tell them?

that in that moment

I was racking my brain

with ways

I could end it later

they told me I was clinically depressed

I told them I never needed pills

to tell me how to feel

I told them that

if I wanted to take my own life

they didn’t

have a say in the matter

they told me ways

I could try to keep this demon

at bay

but it never wanted to leave

it took refuge in my mind

it was like an uninvited house guest

that moved in

and no matter how many times you told them to leave

they wouldn’t

so, I named her Valerie

and Valerie moved the furniture around inside my head

she threw paintings off the walls, smashed the plates

and cut the telephone wire

as she began to make room for herself

“It’s going to be a long few years,” I imagine her saying as she sits back on my porch, on my chair, with a peach ice tea in her hand, settling in for the world war three she was about to wage on me.

Valerie is a real bitch.

but she loved me so much that my entire world shattered

Valerie sends me to war every night at around 3 a.m.

the battleground becomes so loud

I block my ears with my fingers

but I can still hear the click of a loaded gun

I hold my heart like a gunshot wound

that won’t stop bleeding

I watch as the people I once love

become casualties

nothing more

but collateral damage

they told me If I gave her a name that she would

have less control, less power over me

but most nights I lie awake waiting

for Valerie to slide the key into the lock

and sneak into my bed, to come keep me company

I’ve even cleared out half my wardrobe for her things

she is exactly like poison ivy

you let in and then you’re fucked

so, I let her have the whole wardrobe and I watch

as she often carts in things from ex boyfriends

photos, CD’s, even a few t-shirts I swore I threw out

while Valerie builds the museum of hurt in my room

I am in the kitchen, trying to eat something that

won’t make me fat                                                                                            I fail every time

so, I call Valerie in and she tells me to miss this meal

and I say okay

I have become dependent with my own demon

what a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome

right?

and then                                                                                                          after years of wishing away the devil

Valerie stopped coming around when I no longer rolled back over as she shut the curtains, blocking the light out

she stopped coming around when I got up every day                              and started showering

she stopped coming when I started to learn                                                    how to take care of myself

and just like that

she disappeared

after years of wishing away the devil

she was gone

though, it isn’t all happy endings

Valerie still comes around every so often

she leaves mementoes around my home

an earring, a pair of shoes, the dress she wore to my graduation

her toothbrush sits next to mine in the holder in my bathroom

But this time

when she comes, I tell her that she cannot use

my toothpaste anymore

this time, I tell her to buy her own goddamn ice tea

and to take her things out of my wardrobe

and she listens

she searches

and she knows

that she no longer has me in her clutches

and for the first time

she is the scared one

and I am the one who holds the cards

all 52 of them

and now it’s my turn to be the powerful one

she will always leave something behind

maybe nestled in-between the couch

or discarded behind my bookshelf

she’ll leave something

just

to let me know that she

still has a one-way ticket

inside my mind TC mark

Related

More From Thought Catalog

blog comments powered by Disqus